I don’t even know how to really articulate what I’m feeling. So this might be a jumbled mess.

I want to start by saying I’ve definitely been in some abusive relationships. With that bit of information, it makes me feel like mentally I have something wrong. I’ve been in the kink community, as a submissive woman, for ten years. I adore everything about it. It fulfilling and makes me happy. My nesting partner and I have fizzled out after 9 years, but I am free to date (ENM). Being poly and having to unlearn a lot of toxic ways of thinking add another layer of “what’s wrong with me??” Now I’ve given a bit of background info, let me get to it.

For a few years I’ve been craving a possessive partner. Even slightly physically aggressive. I don’t even want to admit thoughts I’ve had. I’m not talking about kinky sex. I’m talking about aggression outside of the bedroom. That “you belong to me, and you better listen to me” shit. Disrespectful but loving. Does this make any sense to anyone else? I feel like a terrible person for wanting this kind of dynamic. I understand that it would be consensual, and I try to rationalize it in that way. But I still feel weird about it.

I would love any opinions or experiences. Advice is okay too. Should I look for more aggressive sex, or can a relationship with that extra possessive aggression be done healthily? Mostly I just want to know I’m not the only person that feels this weird shit.