Obligatory, please be kind. I’m a coming at this from a vulnerable place and trying to do the right thing.

Since my husband has been in a dynamic with (not just dating) his girlfriend (poly), I have really struggled with our 24/7 DDlg (caretaking) relationship. Our couples counselor said I have unrealistic expectations. I just want to get back to the amazing heaven of what we used to have but I don’t know how.

A bit of background, my husband and I always had bdsm stuff in our lives but the last 7ish years fell very organically into a DDlg dynamic. During this time he has had several other partners and although there were some struggles at certain points for the most part things were good in DDlg land.

I think what has been a major hit was a time where meta and I were both in crisis. Husband went over to metas because he was involved in that crisis and my crisis was having several major panic attacks all day. I do have anxiety medicine I can take for panic attacks but it wasn’t seeming to work that day. My crisis was about them moving toward a big milestone and their crisis was dealing with an issue so they could reach the next milestone. So basically, my insecurities made me freak out and instead of coming to help me he went to metas.

My logical head told me that my husband would be no good to me when he was in crisis himself and he needed to go work through that for his own mental health.

My body got hot. I was sweating and clammy. I kept trying different breathing exercises but it felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. My chest hurt like I was having a heart attack. I was so scared and like this for hours.

My insecure mind told me that my DD didn’t love me anymore. That he knew I was in distress and was choosing to not comfort me because I was too much work. All these bad things like I had been abandoned and was not loved.

My DD would do almost anything to try and meet any expectations I had for him and if he couldn’t would beat himself up. So it is really important that I’m not toxic or asking for more than he can give. He says he can give everything and needs to really reflect on what he actually can give. In the meantime, I want to make my expectations more reasonable.

One thing I know is that I can’t expect him to be there anytime I need him. This sort of takes my sense of security away.

Any help is appreciated!