I ask this because I'm new to the BDSM community and don't know enough to know what I'm not ok with. So far I've come up with closed fist hitting, gun play, smothering, age play, family play, shit, and mutilation. I'm hoping for a better understanding of where I exist through all your answers.
ly interesting take. I’m currently looking at an emotion wheel with kink in mind and it’s quite illuminating really, even though I’ve been in the scene for over a year.
Yeah, I learned about the idea from a friend (Mia ACTION) and it really is helpful!
So, I have a binary consent system; I've found a "yes, it's an option; No, never" helps with clearing up any communication. Then I label everything based on if I love it, fear it, want it, &c.
I also have narrower limits for my scenes with clients than with vetted friends and other professionals.
Limits for me are absolute limits that I'll only reconsider for myself, and lately they're pretty much medically critical things (hEDS, MCAS) so here goes:
- Multilation (Eye gouging, amputation, &c)
- Intentionally broken bones
- Intentional hearing damage
- Firing guns near me (PTSD & See Above)
- Branding
- Scarification
- Permanent Tattoos
- Scalpels (due to the type of scarring)
- Knife cutting (ditto scarring)
- Joint locks (due to likely tearing of ligaments)
- Body throws (due to likelihood of dislocations)
- Foods I'm allergic to (ER trips and hospitalization aren't fun)
- Poison Ivy (Urishol)
- Destruction of comfort items
- Destruction of sentimental items
- Use of racial slurs in play
- Switching (I'm just not a dominant and I'm bad at it 😅)
- Hook Suspension (scarring issues, stretchy thin skin, just a medical mess really)
EDIT/P.S. Here's the consent spreadsheet I use (blank version): Consent Sheet
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I agree with this 90% of the way but wanted to make one addition.
Using if something is "gross" or "scary" can be a bit limiting since fear, strained obedience, endurance, degradation, distress, revulsion, and disgust, can be very fun to play with and are sometimes really desirable to people.
I'd suggest starting a little bit bigger picture by looking at an emotional wheel or list of emotions and picking the ones that are: "Fuck Yes! I want to feel this!" "I'm okay with feeling this way," or "No, feeling like that is not my jam." Make a list of each one that fits into each category.
Then when you go through a list think about how each one makes you feel using the emotions list. If it's in your "Yes I Want," make a note of that in a way that works for you. Same with "I'm good with this." Anything that would put you in a bad headspace is right out as a hard limit (for now).
Then take the "Yes, & Fuck Yes!" list and compare things to your risk profile, highlight anything that's outside of it and add that to your limits list as well - no matter how much it's a "Fuck Yes!"
Then as you go through your journey repeat this exercise periodically. As you see people play with different things in different ways you might really change how you feel about something or see something in a way that pushes it more outside your emotional comfort, more into a good emotional space, whether a certain emotion is something you want to start experimenting with, or whether something is within or outside your risk profile. Expect change. I don't know anyone who's been doing kink for 3-5 years who hasn't added and removed a lot from their limits list, or has at least a few things that were hard nos at the start that are favorites (Watersports and blood play being the most common for that).