Hello. I hoped maybe some of you could help me process this situation I’m going through right now.

My husband is poly and has a long term girlfriend. I am okay with this in general but one thing that is really giving me a hard time emotionally is that he is her Dom. I know this because she told me. I have since put a boundary up that I will not discuss that with her. The cat is out of the bag and can’t be put back in.

My husband and I have had a DDlg relationship for years. I am collared, I wear a day collar, we were 24/7. We are both switches but he favors being the Dom and I favor the sub.

I am having a hard time being in the dynamic and especially being more of a sub now that I know he is doing this with his girlfriend as well. In my head it feels like a Dom would only have one sub and that would be their only dynamic. Even though we have been poly for a long time, I didn’t expect he would start a dynamic with someone else - I guess because he is the only person I’ve done bdsm with - since we were very young.

He says the dynamics are completely different and special and unique in their own way. He says no one could ever replace me as his baby and he doesn’t want a DDlg relationship with anyone else. He says that even though he is a natural caregiver, the care he gives his girlfriend is different.

I need to get there rationally so that I can understand my emotions - or maybe I need to understand my emotions to think of it rationally.

I know a big part of my discomfort is thinking she is better than me in every way. I can picture in my head things they might have done and how she must do it much better than me. I don’t want to have these thoughts, they are more intrusive thoughts.

In some way I think since my husband and I got together so young that I measure my self worth on how good of a bdsm partner I am to him. This has got me feeling down since it feels like I’m not good enough and that is why he does it with someone else.

We have things on pause right now while I work through this. I desperately want to unpause them but I don’t know how I can feel okay again.

Can anyone help me process and talk through this? Thank you!