Hello r/BDSM

Just to highlight some background history, I want to give some hopefully helpful information. I have been involved to some extent in the BDSM community for several years. I have dabbled here and there and have had many a scene enacted to my fantasies desires. However, I am running into some very new complications that I wanted to seek advice about from the community.

I have a new long-distance partner in my life that is exploring new kinks for themselves. We are both switches, although I tend to dom far more, and they tend to sub more. We are both newly exploring polyamory for ourselves for the first time in our lives. I have gone swinging with my past partner, but that relationship ended.

My partner is exploring the possibilities of 24/7 dom/sub play dynamics. They are largely searching or have found doms. They are kinkier than I am, which is great surprise to me because I thought I was pretty damn kinky.

While talking with my therapist about several things yesterday, I discovered that my partner having 24/7 hour doms is causing an emotional stir in myself. It is causing feelings of jealousy. I am having feelings of jealousy in general, and I am doing quite a lot of work on myself to analyze and diagnose these feelings. However, the 24/7 dynamic struck quite a hard chord for me. I am asking myself if this is a limit for me and that I simply cannot be in romantic relationships with others that are involved in 24/7 dom/sub dynamics. It is hard for me to understand how there can be space for couples to reconnect as equals when the dynamic is hard set for 24 hours a day. It also set off jealousy lights when thinking that the moment I turn off my dom/sub switch, they are immediately under the guidance/submission of other 24/7 doms on their phone. They have agreed that when we are together, they will not be taking orders from other doms. Do 24/7 dom/sub dynamics leave space for romance, and loving connection? I think this is primary question for myself. My partner pointed out that our relationships is mostly 24/7 and that we have a loving relationship. I think maybe my viewpoint on what a 24/7 dom/sub dynamic is may be wrong.

Other things to consider; I am on the spectrum and find sexuality generally complicated as is. I have a hard time reading social signals, understanding subtleties, and understanding human dynamics as is. I am starting to wonder if BDSM is right for me, as it seems to only add more complications to human sexuality. I find the act of BDSM fun, but the complications of running a romantic partnership while I am a 24/7 dom, or while they have other doms ordering them around on their phone is beginning to make me extraordinarily insecure about myself. When expressing that them having 24/7 dom/sub dynamics with others may be a limit for me, they became pretty upset, and felt that I was trying to control them. I can certainly understand this reaction. I have been in a similar situation myself. I am certainly not trying to control their freedom, rather, I am trying to maintain my own mental health and I am unsure I can stay mentally healthy for myself when constantly feeling insecure. I know this is about me. However, is it okay to express limits of what I can or can't handle in my poly relationships? Is this controlling? I am absolutely in love with them, and I cannot begin to explain how incredibly devastated I would be if we ended up having to part ways because I simply cannot handle the dynamic, however, it seems important to talk and communicate my emotions and feelings about the dynamic rather than hold on and become resentful. What can I do to better understand the situation? Am I crazy? I honestly feel like relationships are so stressful, difficult, and complicated, and I really don't know what to do.

Thank you for any feedback.!

Edit for grammar and spelling