It’s hard for me to have sex, if it’s not abusive; I can get off, but if there’s not a power exchange it does little for me emotionally. When I was growing up I was greatly sexually repressed by family members and religion. I don’t really know how to be charming in the bedroom because that’s when the mask is supposed to come off, but it makes things very hard and not in a fun way. This is because I have an internal maxim placed without much consent or control of my own: All men and women are slaves of desire, to feel content you must be the Master. I genuinely feel sex is something evil, and controlling it and those that partake with me somehow validates my desires. I’m fixing the broken people with a broken system. I wish I didn’t feel this way, a handful of people like me this way, but honestly I’m a creep and akin to a blunt brute in all matters sex. Which is the opposite of how I try to live my life. I can make the act performative, or try to be a bit more controlled and subtle, but sex (and masturbation to an extent) feels like it’s life or death and putting too much effort or logic into it, destroys the purpose. Because it’s meant to be something inside of you that is either good or in most cases evil by default. I’m just venting but also hoping someone can give a little guidance. Unfortunately I can’t afford therapy for reasons I won’t get into, turns out being mentally I’ll makes it hard to get help for being mentally ill. I guess I’m trying to change, but I feel like my soul’s being ripped from my body. Why can’t I be the way I wanna be, why do I have to lie constantly for affection. Idk. I just want to… feel ok. I wish I was alone with people who understood, but it seems no one understands and the world of kink and reality can never meet the way I need them to desperately.