My partner (M) and I (F) have been informally exploring play around him controlling my orgasms, and today for the first time I was able to orgasm on command without stimulation. It was very exciting! He had already made me come multiple times; I was initially just asking permission, and then I began to tell him that I was ready to come when he would tell me I could. This has also worked well for us on some other occasions, where I make sure I am ready and then focus on holding myself there until he tells me exactly when I can (but generally with some kind of stimulation). So today we did that for awhile, and then in a moment where the only contact was him holding me close, I told him that I would come if he told me to. I was able to orgasm 2 or 3 times like this.

Then we took a break and kind of debriefed what just happened, and we talked about some ideas for how to reach that level again in the future. Our ideas were:

-He can wait longer before giving me permission to come each time, or at least keep the length of the wait changing and unpredictable.

-In my opinion he can probably get me to that holding point sooner basically by telling me to get there (assuming I’m already in sub space).

-I need to commit to asking permission while being prepared to actually WAIT. For a long time (including in other relationships) I’ve enjoyed asking for permission, but more in a loose and rhetorical way. As in, usually in those moments I’m already at the very edge where probably I can’t even stop myself, because I know the answer will be an immediate Yes. I think I should stop this habit because it goes against training me to be patient and dependent on his commands.

-He will continue to learn how to read the cues that signal when I’m ready to come, and likewise I need to be expressive so that he has accurate information. We’re already pretty good at this part.

After talking about it for a bit, we both got turned on again and he started fucking me. This time I would ask him if I could come, and he would make me wait longer. I was successful in holding myself back and then coming exactly when he would tell me to. This also made me VERY desperate and led to lots of begging and basically sobbing on my part, which was very intense in a good way! This was working well for several orgasms, until at a certain point I lost my grip on the holding pattern and finally failed to come when he told me.

Do you all have some tips for this kind of training? I will say again that our D/s dynamic is pretty informal and almost only sexual, and we also switch with each other. Which brings up the question, do you think that having a switch dynamic will make it harder to train me in this way? When I top him, I often use him or direct him to make me come, and do not ask permission. Also, sometimes when we have more vanilla-ish sex I won’t ask him. Our overall goal isn’t necessarily to make me completely dependent on his permission, more so to be highly obedient for when we specifically pursue that kind of play. Any advice for him to really get more into denying me for longer? He was thoroughly enjoying my state of desperation, but also he likes to see me come so he would give in to that probably within a minute or so at the longest (and he likes to tease me but not sadistically so). What are good ways to deal with accidentally orgasming, or conversely slipping out of the holding point and having trouble getting it back? We don’t have a punishment heavy dynamic, we’re mainly curious about training for best results. So in this case I think we see any consequences for non adherence more to be about reinforcing the training aspect, rather than being punishment for sake of D/s dynamics. Hope that makes sense. I don’t know much about this kind of training, but from what little I have gathered is that for many people this is a very serious and deep kind of control that is part of a broader D/s partnership. With that in mind maybe my final question is, is pursuing this kind of training compatible with a more informal D/s (and switch) dynamic?

Thanks for any advice or resources!