Im new to bdsm, recently I’ve found a dom who is twice my age (im 19) and he’s really into CNC roleplay. Personally CNC isn’t at the top of the list of kinks im intrigued by, i much prefer sensual/gentle domination. I want to try CNC once though just to see if i like it or not, it’s something im willing to explore but not particularly sure im into.

Anyways my dom wants to plan a scene where I leave the hotel door unlocked, he enters and fucks me from behind while I resist. We’re in the middle of planning it (exact details, limits etc) but since this is my first time & i would say im rather innocent im going in almost entirely blind. I don’t know what im supposed to feel ie. how do i differentiate between the good kind of apprehension (the one mixed with anticipation), and real apprehension where I actually do not want this at all. Like??? Isn’t the whole point of CNC for me to feel a little fearful and powerless???? I’m scared that i feel actual fear/dread during the scene but i gaslight myself into thinking that this is what CNC is supposed to evoke in me and i don’t safeword out. Also TW I’ve been sexually assaulted before (said no countless times but the guy kept continuing)… i haven’t been affected by this for quite some time now but im scared the trauma will suddenly surface in the middle of cnc.

Is there anywhere to prevent this like how do I discern my emotions accurately in the middle of the scene where everything is intense and he’s being super rough with me

For context my dom and i are relatively new to each other, so far it’s just been light bondage, choking and rough sex but nothing cnc related I think. He’s been patient with me but I don’t think he can read my reactions THAT well to know when im uncomfortable, it all depends on me saying my safeword when needed.