I started dating my vanilla BF in the spring, the same time I started exploring D/s more seriously. I’ve been into bdsm since I was 18, but never ventured into having a Dom. I didn’t stop dating my BF-to-be when I realized he was only kinda kinky and not a Dom, because I didn’t think I needed a Dom. While we were casually dating, I connected with my first Dom, who I played with for a few deeply wonderfully fun weeks. But that was a “hobby”, I thought. I didn’t think I needed D/s. I’ve had great relationships without it. When that Dom connection ended, I continued to see the man who became my BF.

Vanilla sex has steadily become more and more challenging with my BF though. It’s been making me quite sad. We haven’t had sex in almost 2 months I think. Every time I try, I just lose interest immediately. He’s patient and kind and has tried a bit of kink (without the power play element) and I’m just not into it.

Meanwhile, I recently met Dom who wants to play the same way I do. (BF and me are ENM). It’s been eye-opening. Now, I dont want to leave my BF for this Dom. I don’t want to date this Dom romantically. I dont feel blinded by NRE or anything. Its just that playing with him and talking to him and to other D/s people feels like ‘oh you get me’ and makes me realize that I have rarely enjoyed vanilla sex outside of kink. I currently don’t enjoy it — almost at all— outside of a power dynamic. I kept hoping this interest would recede, but it’s a lifelong interest and it’s just getting more pronounced as I explore it further.

Sex is not everything, but I do really want to have a sexy intimate life with a partner. And my BF deserves that too. Being a Domme or a sub makes me feel a lot more connected to my partner. I am deeply doubting the possibility of meaningful romance without a D/s element going forward, and I feel bad for both of us that I didn’t know this 10 months ago.

If you’ve been there, support appreciated.