Warning for mentions of harassment, assault, mild stalking, self esteem issues, chronic illness and mental health issues.

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Firstly, I love BDSM and kink and have loved them since before I even knew what they were called. The brief contact I’ve had with local members of the BDSM community has been largely positive and nice.

But I was wondering if I could get opinions here that I’ve been too anxious to ask about irl. While I love kink, I have been through some things with other people that have scared the shit out of me. It’s left me with trust issues and I was terrified of any person who showed romantic or sexual interest in me for many years. I actively avoided relationships and physical intimacy for most of my life because I wasn’t willing to risk getting more trouble. I especially avoided being involved with BDSM and kink because I felt like I was bringing too much trauma and bad Doms are a thing. Except for ertoica and Tumblr, that is.

I also wear fake wedding and engagement rings because it makes me feel a bit safer, even today.

However, I’m tired of avoiding what I want and I’ve been having so much fun the last few weeks while on Reddit. Engaging with posts and people about kink and being subby. But, I'm still uncertain if it's wise to engage with BDSM and kink when I have this much baggage and stuff to heal from? Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

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Some examples of the baggage for those who need more info/context:

• mildly stalked 3 times starting from when I was 13 (he stalked and harassed me for 4 years)
• have left 2 jobs and one volunteer gig because of co-workers sexually harassing me
• 5 people have gotten my phone number from my private records, through friends, through housemates and by lying about intentions. None of the ones who didn't ask had my permission to get my number or contact me
• a classmate in tertiary education tried to force me into his car by threatening me and I had to run
• currently working for an organisation where, a couple of floors above me, a guy who previously harassed me is working. I don’t know if he knows I’m there
• currently recovering from a messy breakup where the ex and I struggled with boundaries, communication and honesty
• currently acting as a live in, on demand carer for a family member who gets anxiety triggered psychosis when severely worried or stressed. When they are unwell, it’s really bad and they need to be in hospital
• keeping them calm and taking care of the cat and house in ways that keep them feeling safe eats up so much of my free time
• I have to hide a lot of stuff from that family member because they worry about bad things happening to me and I try to avoid triggering the anxiety
• I struggle with a mild spinal injury and a chronic auto immune illness and related self esteem issues
• recent diagnosis for complex PTSD
• only recently took responsibility for my sexuality and being more attracted to women than men (but still attracted to men)
• after my last relationship I now seriously doubt my intelligence (things she said about it) and feel worse about my perceived level of attractiveness