Hi everyone, I don’t know why I’m writing this, I guess just to vent. I met a domme in August and we’ve been slowly building toward making a relationship. To the point where she’s telling close friends and family that we’re working toward it. She had some bad trauma which is why she wants to take it slow but I’ve accepted that and been understanding going at her pace. I want to be with her so bad but I’ve stayed patient to show her how much she means to me.

It felt like the last few weeks especially the last 2 we were really getting closer. I was feeling sub space and was just thinking about her all the time.

We agree to non monogamy and playing with cuckolding, so I don’t want this post to turn into a discussion around why the kink is bad, I know a lot of people dislike and that’s fine but we don’t and we’re okay with it and enjoy it so don’t yuck our yum, I’m only going into this for context. Anyway on to the story, She has some fwb from before me. She hasn’t seen any of her fwb since like September I think though, when we were less serious, because of how busy she was. But the other day she said she was going to visit one of them. I guess it caught me a little off guard. I had the “cuck angst”. When she came back I felt like something was wrong in me but I didn’t know what. Later that day I had a really upsetting thing happen in my career, no need for the details but I was upset about that. So I was feeling that on top of feeling weird about the cuckolding.

I think we could have better prepared the situation and the aftercare. I told her I said stuff on my mind about it and I wrote it out where I could better think. I said I was nervous about sharing because I didn’t want it held against me. But she made me feel secure that she wouldn’t and that I should communicate openly. So I did. She sent an equally long reply. Some things she agreed with and some thing she didn’t and some things she also communicated she was hurt by. It was clear that we just had some misunderstandings, I didn’t think there was anything that couldn’t be fixed by talking out to which she agreed. I was relieved because I’m apprehensive of losing her by making one wrong step. My reply after that took me 90 mins to write, she read it and thanked me for sharing but I said we’re better off talking about this in person to which she agreed again.

So here’s where the real shit has stated. We talked on the phone Tuesday morning, I kind of brought up one or two things about what we were talking about but she didn’t really reply and changed subject so I left it. She hung up on me pretty abruptly as a co worker walked in. So what I did after was that I walked around downtown looking at the tall buildings aimlessly wandering tryna just take my focus off the weird feeling in the air between us. I just needed to get to Wednesday where I would get the bus to her place and we could talk it all out but I didn’t really wanna think about it till then which is hard for me because I have an over active mind. Around 4 I met with a friend, went for a beer, she text me then but I didn’t reply straightaway cause I was talking to my friend at the bar obviously. We went back to his and watched a movie. I got home around 9:30. I didn’t reply to the text at this point that I had left open because she told me she’d be going to bed around 7 when we had the call in the morning because she and exhausting day before with little sleep, so I said I’d leave it till morning. I briefly woke up around 7 ish and replied and then i left my ringtone on in case she wanted to call as she drove to work.

Come 10am still no reply so I sent her a message asking could she let me know what time to get the bus at, I was completely shocked to receive a message back informing me that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to meet anymore and start going into details of when I was last active on Tik Tok instagram etc. I was stunned I really didn’t think she was like that. Shes shown me not one insecurity since I met her. She’s often not replied thru the day like I did the day before, I never thought anything of it, I just thought it was a texting habit which is fine, my ex used to jump up my ass for not texting so I thought it was healthy to not expect constant texts even though it’s fun.

I explained to her everything I did the day before and why I didn’t text back. I then text her and said could she please let me know if I should get the bus which takes an hour to get to her, I followed up with another text saying the last bus is 2:15 and I need to know now. I watched 3 buses go by including the 2:15. Then I headed home devastated. This is my first week off work since the summer, I live a continent away from home, all my friends are away for the holidays, I’m really alone this week and this was the one thing I was excited for. I was gutted. Hours went by and eventually she text saying she needed time to process those messages. In one of the message I said why are you looking at my activity and trying to think of conspiracy theories as to why I didn’t reply. I think she took offence to this and I apologised. But the rest of the message was explaining that she was really busy in work which I believe, she told me she’d be working later as it’s before the holidays.

But my problem with that excuse is why did she message me at 11 am ish to say “I don’t know what the plan is” if she didn’t have any intention on replying to a follow up message. She should have said yes come or no don’t come. Sitting watching those buses go by waiting for a text not knowing what was going on were some of the most humiliating moments of my life. I was so upset when I got home after I eventually gave up.

As I write this I still haven’t heard from Her, since Thursday. I guess the irony is I did the same thing the day before but we weren’t on bad terms and I had a simple explanation, I just ended up busy and stuff. I thought considering she always does this she’d be totally ok with me being busy and not being on my phone. She took offence to me saying worlds like “calm” and said I broke her trust. I again apologised profoundly. I asked if she’d be kind enough to let me know if she had no intention at speaking to me for the rest of the day but she didn’t let me know. she’s ghosting me now ever since, she knows that I’ve been having a rough week with work, feeling alone with no family on my week off, and feeling sad about this shit lingering with us. I feel totally abandoned. I may have said things that she didn’t like when communicating my feelings and whatever but I was open to dialogue and communication. I asked her weeks ago what can I do better and she said that I can be better at not worrying about what I can do better. The minute I make a mistake I’ve been abandoned. If she’s offended by words I used that’s ok I’ll apologise again and again and holds my hands up. If I missed anything I’ll say sorry for that too! I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I didn’t mean to hurt her. At the same time it feels cruel that all it took was for a stupid misstep and mistake in wording to potentially kill what I thought was something special building. Maybe she doesn’t believe me that it was a genuine mistake. Whatever it is I don’t know and I wish I could change it. I feel like this is so harsh and undeserved. I really don’t feel from my experience with her she’d ever go out and hurt me on purpose. Part of me wonders if she’s dealing with something else. But there’s no way to know because I’m totally blocked out. Everything is speculation.

I really see a bright future for us. I think she’s totally amazing. Have never connected with someone like this. I’m not from here, I’ve been exploring a multitude of options so I can stay for her. But I’m worried this is the end and the next message will be the final one, or maybe I’ve already received my last text and I’ll never see her again. Part of me hopes I don’t receive a final text because I know when it happens I’m gonna be extremely nervous and my heart will start racing and I hate that feeling, it’s part of the reason I’m in this mess right now cause the few texts I did get this week made me panic, I was intent to fix things and I ended up saying more stuff when I wasn’t thinking straight that she found offence to. These last two days I’ve felt more peace of mind and more calm and I know that next text is gonna make me feel shit and go backwards.

Right now I’m contemplating staying back in my home country after the holidays when I’m due to go home for 2 weeks and taking a year career break. I was gonna take one in April but then I met her and now I wanted to stay for her but now after everything I’m thinking at actually speeding up my career break and just not returning. It’s been an upsetting week.

So instead of being alone I thought maybe the community could help me feel better and give some advice. If you made it this far thank you. If I could have done anything better or have any general advice please let me know.