5yrs! That's how long it's been in this lifestyle as sub. Having first dom for year without even seeing his face to now still having him as friend. I never able to keep a relationship after that for long. Met many Doms, some manipulative or some just not worked out. To 3 more who left quite a lot in my life and being in touch with them as friend. That's all I get in end. Friendship which I cherish alot and always be there for them and they do same.

Then there were relationship I got attached to and comes to end and not even keep friendship because of me only in end. I don't know why I am the way I am yeah I maybe end up unconsciously pushing people away.. that even those friends rarely chat. As I just going through rough phase of my life right now.

But what about those last 5yrs? What I make of them? Do I hold high expectations or am I not good enough to deserve someone to fight for it or maybe I am not good sub. I am not much of sexual sub.. I am always up for psychological domination mostly, where I prefer to have strict dom to guide, to give structure etc. But I never deny for sexual too. Yeah my need for structure comes with wanting someone push me or motivate me because with that only I do good. Sometimes it means they feel I don't put effort. It scares me now because I know I tried and earning their trust and their even basic pic or other things becomes hard while I put mine in theirs easily and get attached then cry over when it ends because it hurts like bitch. Sometimes when I even communicate my concerns they take it as I want to end it like I just look for excuses instead of calm discussion they start arguing and blame me back for things. I don't know what's going wrong?

Right now I am in bed from 3months with fracture, very dark phase because I don't know if I will walk.. I might even get a limp for life.. it scares me which kind of made me more unstable in my emotions. Everything is hitting too hard I don't know if it's me who never able to keep the relationships or does the type of relationship dynamic I look for even exist and survive?

P.s. Please don't say I am not doing well that's why I seek this type of relationship because I know that's not the reason. Not want to explain that to people. Because I know even without bad phase and in happy phase of my life I feel need to submit.