This year I had much fun exploring the subby in me. But doing this alone with dating more casually, not in an established relationship was a road filled with...pain. And not just the good kind. I made the mistake of doing too many hardcore things too fast. But after a few really bad sub drops I have gotten better at taking things slowly, allowing trust and also an emotional connection to build. I became better at communicating what I liked and what I needed after each session.

The thing is, the last two times after I was having a session, I voiced my needs to my different partners and they somehow took care, but also somehow it feels like... lacking, like they listened and acted but not...enough, like a little bit is missing.

For example with one partner I communicated aftercare like: I really like it when you hurt me, today I'd even like some bites, that leave marks (it's a long time ago that I allowed or adked someone to be this rough) but I need you to be really gentle afterwards, that's like the even better part, the afterwards feels incredible when you were rough. Please show interest in the things you've done to me and help to heal them. And I like to send pictures if some things are showing up after to get a reaction. He seemed excited and was really gentle afterwards, it felt good. But afterwards I had a drop (everything's fine I wanted to handle it alone and did a lot of selfcare and validated my feelings, that the really bad ones exist after a great high and so on...) but when I had a mark...it somehow not felt like a nice memory but like a mark of shame...and when I showed him a picture he answered with a simple heart emoji and that was nice...but like...I somehow had hoped and wished for more, like "aw sweety, please do some cream on it" (we can't see each other at the moment and that's ok) or maybe later a question like: "How is it, it's healed?" And I remembered the one time, where he spanked me really good, it was really fun and afterwards he said he'll put cream on it and he did, when we were home...but I had to remind him before we went to bed and this was like this little feeling of dissapointment between the happy feelings when he then did it (did it good and careful and took his time)

My other partner...he spanked me and the whole session was great...but when I told him afterwards that my butt is glowing hot he answered with: "Maybe you deserved it?" And it felt not good, though he didn't mean it that way, I'm sure. So I asked if he could gently caress me a bit and he did like to strokes and then he fell...asleep. It's ok, he was really tired from night shifts and I stayed for cuddling while he was sleeping until it was late and felt "enough" to go home.

I don't know. How do you communicate this? I don't want to give someone the feelings of not being and doing enough and to voiced dissapointment. But when I play in my role (sub or dom) i always want to give "enough so the person happy and fully satisfied, I ask a lot of questions before, during and after the session good communication is sooo hot!) And I'd like to know if I can do something better or different... I somehow want a way out of the dissapointment.

How do you handle this? I'd just like to have some opinions and ideas.

Because now I somehow crave a really gentle caressing time, without any pain and being held like I'm the most precious and fragile thing.

That's ok, I can probably voiced this with someone next time and then I'll be happy and want to feel pain sometime again...

But maybe I just have to accept it's maybe just winter depression and I'm down and have to focus on more selfcare maybe also in other aspects in life...