I am a 25F, and i am a m. I look forward a dom, but I don’t know where to find one, because there are many people who are just doms to vent their sadistic desires. What I mean is that in my opinion, they are not professional or qualified, so I have never practiced it myself, but only know a lot of theoretical knowledge.

Yesterday, I met a 27M online. He claimed to have been a dom for 4 years and had 3 m. I liked his self-introduction very much (it made me feel like a sub loved by the master), so I wanted to try it and told him that I had no experience. Due to the distance, he said that he could train me online, but I was actually hesitant because I want to contact real people and there are more ways to play. At first, I asked him some questions because I wanted to know more about him, However, he said that I only asked for things but not for output, and my desire to share was very poor. But the problem was that he was not promoting the conversation, so I asked, but things like controlling the direction of the chat should have been done by the dom, right?

Then he asked me to complete his instructions, saying they were obedience tests, such as taking photos of the surroundings, taking photos of myself kneeling down, and some other sexual things. I politely refused, and he said that I am disobedient and have poor obedience. I don't understand, because my view has always been that the taming of the sub by the dom is a process, and it requires patience. Only when the dom is excellent enough, the sub will gradually hand over the control of the body and mind to this person in this process and dare not resist. If I have tamed myself already, then anyone can be my master, right? Then I am just a slave of desire?

Then we talked about video call SM, he said that I need to be naked and show my whole body on the screen, because he thinks that only showing part of body is something that only those sexually hungry men do. They only think about sex, but he enjoys movements and expressions. I understand a little, but I also think that his superiority is ridiculous, because he keeps ordering me to do things related to sexual humiliation, and he didn't let me feel the innate sense of control of the dom. In other words, he is just commandding what he wants, and it is up to me whether I cooperate or not.

Regarding the video call SM, there is one thing I don't understand. He said that his screen was black and he never won't show up. I asked why, and he said why i even ask about this kind of thing. This is how it is played online in BDSM circle. He said I was an outsider, and he had no words. Is it really like this? Later he explained that because dom is sacred and mysterious, I was like: what? ? ? ? ? , I thought it was a bit funny, after all, dom can't hide themselves when meeting, he said meeting is meeting. Do you all think so?

In addition, I think the reason why i want he show his face in the video is that I want to see my dom, which would make me feel safe and intimate. I can accept a black screen on the other side, but before I surrender to the dom in my heart, I will only think that this is a disgusting voyeurism.

I told him what I think dom should be like, he said he was tired of it, and I didn't make him have the desire to tame . I felt that he was not deliberately belittling me (he hadn't seen what I look like), but it did make me feel sad and inferior.

Later, I wanted to finish again and again, and he persuaded me to skip the taming step and enjoy each other directly. So I thought he wanted a pure sexual partner. I didn't explicitly agree or refuse, and I didn't know that he said he would play tonight, so in the end he said he waited for me for an hour but I broke the promise, and repeatedly said that I am too dilly-dally and afraid of this or that. I'm not afraid, I just think it shouldn't be like this, and I'm the one who kept saying i want to finish!

In this short chatting, he always belittled, suppressed and humiliated me, and his tone was offensive.He said i am a m who shouldn't ask but obey,He said that he was a dom who ordered and suppressed me. Are there different types of doms? I can accept dom's suppression and humiliation, but it is only a part of control and should be used as a means, not a purpose, just like—— kiss after slapping.

He said that I had a lot of requirements, I wanted to hear his voice and see his face, and i like to question his words, he said that I don't regard myself as a m at all, said that this was sm, not love.so I said you are more like an s than a dom, but I feel that s is not like this neither in my heart.

He showed me a diary written by his m in the past. There was a detail in it that made me uncomfortable. The m took a train to his city. There were many people and few tickets. The m was very anxious and worried that he would be unhappy if she didn't go, so she thanked him gratefully for setting the alarm to buy tickets for her. Maybe everyone thinks there is nothing wrong here, but my first thought at the time was: Why couldn't you buy it for her? If it was because of the ID, then why couldn't you pay the fee?

I don't mean that women can't buy their own tickets, but I think you were her owner. This is a relationship between an owner and a property, even closer than an intimate relationship. If you really cared about her, you should take action. Set an alarm? What have you paid out? Maybe you even used an imperative sentence.This reminds me of those people who appear to be giving but are actually selfish in a relationship.

When I wrote this, I suddenly realized that maybe I imposed my personal emotion on the dom? I have slight attachment anxiety, I have no safety emotionally, I want to be loved hard, so I want to be owned and controlled. Do I really confuse ds with a relationship? But I know very well that being controlled in a relationship is a terrible thing.

Of course, we said goodbye in the end, leaving me alone in chaos. I am really confused. I don't think my point of view is wrong, but I can't see it clearly now. I am very sad, and I begin to doubt myself and feel inferior. I have to say that if that person wanted to suppress me, he succeeded.

Thank you for reading such a long post, thank you for listening to my confession. I am really lonely in this circle. I want a loyal dom, but I dare not make a move. Only my own imagination accompanies me. Everyone is welcome to express their opinions and suggestions,thank you!