Hi all,

As a way of background, I've been interested in BDSM for as long as I can remember. For the most part I've always identified as a Sub, even though aside from a bit of experimenting with my vanilla partner, I'd never really experienced being a sub in real life. Around a year ago when I started to explore my Domme side. Since then I've had one online sub and one real life sub. I absolutely loved being a domme and despite thinking I wasn't confident enough to pull it off I actually think I was really good at it! The only issue was that I still felt a deep desire to submit. I craved being taken care of in a way I didn't/don't think I could be if I was the domme in a dynamic.

Fast forward to the past few months where I've been looking for a relationship and naturally I want some form of kink mixed in. I've identified myself as a switch whilst on this search and recently matched with a wonderful man on Feeld. He's a dom (with an interest in occasional switching) and is equally interested in the vanilla side of things.

We hit it off hard and he's clearly such a wonderful human. After building a good amount of trust and respect, we decided to play together for the first time last night. We talked about our kinks and boundaries etc and throughout the whole session he was fully respecting of them. He put me over his knee to be spanked and when it got too much he stopped immediately. We experimented with face fucking and when I tapped his leg to indicate it was too much he stopped immediately. He also gave me plenty of aftercare. He couldn't be more of a green flag as a dom and I say all this to highlight that he did everything right.

The problem is that I just didn't enjoy it, it felt degrading (irrational I know) and I feel gross now. I cringe at the thought of him calling me a good girl and its all really put me off seeing him again which isn't his fault. I've been sitting at home today feeling very tearful and in a headspin. I feel like I'm having an identity crisis as for as long as I've been interested in BDSM I've felt like a sub. I loved the creativity of being a domme and I felt such joy after it. Yet today after fulfilling so many of my long standing desires, I feel sad, empty and dirty.

Apologies if this is messy. Unfortunately everyone I would usually talk to about stuff like this is busy and I need to make sense of my thoughts.

Has anyone else felt like this? Do I accept that in reality I'm actually not submissive despite having spent my life thinking I am?