i met this guy on twitter when I had just turned 18. he was 24 when we started talking. obviously wasn’t in the right headspace to be talking to this man and he knew that, but continued to do it anyways. i accepted and loved it for so long. he got me into the ddlg & caretaker type of roles because he loved it and i was open to the idea. it was easy to fall in it with him because i was in a terrible place and he made me feel so safe. he was so mature? for lack of a better word than all of the boys ive ever been with and i loved & craved it so much. he was stern with me, gave me structure when i needed it, listened to me all the time, taught me lessons, shared his thoughts with me, would make me learn about myself.

he got more sexual with me as time went on, sending me hard twt porn, writing fantasies about me, wanting to call me etc. i didn’t really like it at first but he told me to just keep an open mind and keep trying it. but he loved it and of course i wanted to make him happy. i started really liking it, got really into doing those things with him and started thinking about it on my own all of the time too. he’d be so loving and caring with me, always calling me baby, little girl, kiddo etc. but i have never felt more guilty for anything in my life. that’s what made me obsessed with it/him. i hated myself for liking these things (i still struggle with it). when i told him i didn’t know if i was still comfortable with it this he backed off for a bit, but eventually started bringing it back up and i would fall right back in. we started dating a few weeks after this.

i knew was bad for me and that he took advantage of me at my lowest. but i didn’t care, it almost made me like him more? after a few months i was so burnt out and wanted to not do anything sex related, i told him i wanted to break it off because it was too much for me and he respected it, i blocked him. a few weeks go by, im not doing very well, so i add him back. we talk like nothing ever happened, he tells me he loves me and always wants me to come back to him. we talk for a few weeks, i block him when I feel guilty for talking to him again, on and on for about 7-8 months. he would always welcome me back, even if we fought or i made him mad i just had to apologize, call him sir or whatever name he wanted that day and tell him what i did wrong, and he would do the same. he would want to be sexual after a few days, i would do it and feel guilty a week or two later and then block him.

he was a crutch for me, it was so easy to go back to him when I wasn’t doing well. about 2 months ago we had a big blowup. i add him back a few days later, he tells me im driving him crazy because he’s so insanely obsessed with me. he goes into detail about everything he feels about me, how much he thinks about me, how much he watches my online presence. i was really scared/uncomfortable after this text and we talked about it, i told him he took advantage of me, he apologized and told me that he doesn’t know how he had ever lived without me because he loved me so much. anyways, cutting this shorter cause im tired of writing lol. 3ish weeks ago he makes me mad, i unadd him, he tells me he can’t take us going back and forth like this and he’s done because im too sensitive and he doesn’t have time to deal with my emotions all day and he doesn’t want to keep making decisions based on if they will upset me or not, i tried to get him to stay for a bit but eventually we cut it off and I haven’t talked to him since. i just turned 20 and he is now 26

i don’t really know what im looking for, i guess I just wanted to tell someone abt this without being judged? the last time i posted here i got a lot of good advice and its really helped me. i feel so conflicted with everything, i loved being with him and how he made me felt but i know he didn’t start doing it for the right reasons. i am struggling with accepting the things i like, or if i actually even like them. i feel guilty because i also wasn’t the best to him (constantly blocking, acting out when he made me mad, telling him mean things, etc). should i even be feeling this way because he really isn’t that much older than me? anyways, i could go on forever haha. i hope this wasn’t too much and it’s okay to post here. there’s probably a lot of typos and jumbled sentences so sorry about that

also, i hope that this does not come off as me kink shaming or anything like that because it’s not my intention at all. im still quite new to this and have finally started talking about it. i also probably am not using the right terms but doing my best!! any advice/comments/criticism is appreciated:))