So I had a lovely relationship with someone that bloomed out of kink We matched on tinder because she was seeking a rigger and I wanted someone to practice on- we almost lasted a year as a collared D/s dynamic.

Sadly this developed into a fully fledged relationship where I ended up losing myself in the relationship/dynamic and taking a caregiver role. Focusing more on tending to her needs and disregarding my own sense of self and identity. We practiced rope semi often but it stopped being a priority when she was going through some mental health stuff.

I was okay with giving her space, but she felt neglected by losing someone actively wanting to tie her up and she ended up cheating on me with someone more skilled- says it was because she was horny when I was out of town and she wanted to be suspended (something I am not confident enough to do) now videos of her naked suspended upside down and being degraded are circulating in my local kink community) She apologized (kinda, didn't take responsibility and deflected to it being not her fault) and I forgave her because I love her. But now I feel less confident in the skills I used to have.

I have attempted to try and reconcile with her, and the other rigger is out of the picture, but now every time I think about rope - that video plays in my head and I feel paralyzed from trying. I know it was something I used to enjoy but now I cannot get the confidence to try and tie her up anymore.

She has been doing self tying and is offering to teach me now, but it just feels insurmountable. Just seeing her tied up replays the video of my darling sub giggling and hanging upside down while being kicked around for someone else's entertainment.

How do I re-engage with a former passion when I feel so inferior that it's not good enough to avoid being cheated on, and every time I see rope I panic.

Thoughts?