I’ve been playing with someone I met on Fet. He is very dominant during our sessions but would consider himself a sadist versus a true Dom. He loves intense impact play and causing pain.

He does like degradation but only if the other person does as well. As I do not we haven’t really had that element. I told him I may be open to some of that but I don’t really know how I’d react since I haven’t experienced it before so am not sure how it would feel. I often watch femdom porn and love the degradation shown there.

He is extremely sweet and attentive when not in the scene. He wants to know about me, my thoughts and needs, my life. He is gentle with me. He checks in to see how I like things, or if there are other things I want to try.

So, that’s the basic background.

Yesterday I saw him (this is the third time we’ve played). He had me change into the outfit he wanted me in. He put a lovely thick leather collar on me and a heavy metal chain leash. He led me around the room, crawling next to him, pulling on the leash to direct me. At the time I was fully in the moment. I was not feeling embarrassed about being an adult made to crawl on the floor. I wasn’t thinking about how I looked. I was simply doing as he wanted. He made me lick his feet, he held my hair in his fist and forced my head down to do so. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t think about it at all other than wanting to do it properly.

He then had me sit in a chair right in front of him, facing him. I’d brought a toy that I like and he had me use it on myself as he watched intently. He told me not to cum. I didn’t reply and he slapped my face and told me to reply. A bit later he asked me if I was close to cumming and I couldn’t answer - to be honest I wasn’t sure how close I was. I have an extremely hard time cumming with a partner and I can’t always process what my body is feeling. He slapped me again.

I continued to use the toy. We were looking at each other pretty intensely. And then the strangest thing happened; I started to cry. It completely caught me off guard. I don’t even know what I was thinking or feeling really. It was just this overwhelming feeling. He immediately stopped the scene and made sure I wasn’t hurt. I felt completely confused by my reaction since there was nothing that really precipitated it. I was embarrassed and apologized. He held me and reassured me that it was ok. He asked if he’d been too harsh. I don’t think he had been.

Now, today, I still can’t make sense of what happened. I’m not even sure I can verbalize it. It felt like something cracked inside of me. It feels unsettling. I feel embarrassed.

I’m not even sure what input I’m looking for. Maybe if anyone ever experienced this? Or is it a step towards true submission? (I’ve always struggled to feel “really” submissive, it’s just always felt like I was playing a part). It just feels like it was a very meaningful moment but in a way that feels completely incomprehensible to me.

Any thoughts and advice would be very welcome. I am definitely stuck in my head with this.

TL/DR: started to cry during a scene with seemingly no provocation. Has this ever happened to you?