I’ll preface this by saying two things:

1. I’ve been single for a long time and have not had sex for an equally long time. I’m not interested in hookups and have not ended up in a relationship with anyone I’ve dated. TLDR: it’s been a while.

2. I have generalized anxiety disorder, and one thing that causes me more anxiety than anything else is guilt over having done something wrong.

So, this all started two weeks ago when I got a new toy. It was so good that I was using it first thing in the morning and last thing before bed, I was late to work one day, the whole nine. It was during this time that I ventured into this side of reddit and realized how many people are chatting online to have fun. I decided to start responding to some people in r/bdsmpersonals who were looking for more than just sexting - a friendship with this fun element built in. That’s what I wanted. After a few tries I found someone who I clicked with really well and he’s been great. Like, he legitimately has done nothing wrong at all. It has been super fun.

I told him from the beginning that I wouldn’t share pictures until I’m comfortable, and that whenever that time comes they will not have any identifying features. I’m a high school counselor, it’s my absolute dream job - I don’t know what I would do if anything ever got leaked. I also just don’t want to be seen by strangers - I wouldn’t even post an unidentifiable picture on a reddit sub. Anyway, he was super respectful of this - the one time he told me to show him before I had said I was ready I asked if he could not ask again until I offer for the first time and he apologized and was super kind about it. And then a few hours into an intense play session later that night, I felt ready and showed him pictures and videos. Still nothing identifying. I didn’t have any regrets, it was fun, and I did it again today, two days later.

Now suddenly I have this horrible wave of guilty anxiety like, what have I done, why am I sending nudes to someone I barely know? And is it bad that I’m wanting to have sexting play sessions every day instead of hitting the dating apps to find something real like I normally do? And how is it better to have signed myself up for only being able to masturbate with permission instead of just doing what I want? I just feel gross about myself. Normally when I’m anxious about something I talk to my best friend, but this is a side of me no one knows anything about and talking to her about this would only cause me more anxiety. I’m definitely going to tell this online guy that I need to stop with the pictures, maybe temporarily, maybe forever, I don’t know. Logically I know I’m not doing anything wrong and I’m just trying to get my needs met. I’m just spiraling and looking for some reassurance. I know if I texted him he would give it to me too, but I don’t want my brain to think he’s only reassuring me to keep this going.

I appreciate any kindness anyone is willing to show me. My depression has already been pretty bad lately, and I currently have covid so I’m stuck in bed with my thoughts, it’s just…not a good time. Thanks for reading.