hello do to complex things in my past that ig is still affecting me to this day made me steer to a ” kink “ . but is it really a kink if i’m just using it as an excuse or to get something out of it? growing up religious, traditional conservative and in a household where sexual things were frowned upon in women etc

so i’m into cnc but i think really the only reason i like it is because it takes away guilt that i have for wanting to do something sexual bc it’s not really my control. i like this fantasy bc it feels like it’s an ok to do something sexual bc i “didn’t want it so it’s not my fault” that’s how i like to imagine cnc. somno part of cnc too bc i’m not even awake at the moment so there is no guilt on me. am i making sense?

i like doms bc having someone tell me to do sexual things etc etc or be told what to do or initiate things takes blame off my self for wanting something sexual on my own but if i’m told to do it then it’s not really my fault? is how i think of it.

i like the older strict doms and parental nature doms bc of what i lacked in my childhood not having a proper relationship w my parents etc.

i like orders and given direction bc it’s what i’m used to w growing up scared to make my own decisions bc of strict parents etc and i’ve just always had a submissive nature that i think was bc of my overbearing parents.

these are things i’ve liked but i feel bc of the motive idk if that really makes me a genuine sub or into bdsm like others that like it bc it gets them going etc.