The men I've (24F) interacted with, in the last two years, have been extremely sadistic (emotional and physical sadism) and dominant af, which I like but unfortunately, with them, I've always felt uncared for after.

I've felt this way consistently - not enough communication, not enough aftercare.

I broke off a year long relationship with a dom due to this nature, and I feel as if I've fallen into the same hole I ran away from with the new dom I'm talking to.

How do I genuinely find a Master that is both caring and sadistic?

Are these two attributes distinct of each other? Will I never find someone who breaks me enough to make me cry a river, but looks after me later like his little baby. Drops me home, gets me flowers and the likes.

Why do I, as a masochist/submissive/slave girl not deserve to be cared for?

(I say this because I never felt uncared for/unloved in a vanilla relationship)

I'm sorry for my ...rant? I don't understand how to navigate D/s relationships when I have no one to share all of this with.