I'm submissive, and always have been. I also have a very hard time trusting, so there's a general limit to how much I can submit. I hate to say that playing is "surface level," but it's usually very casual fun. One session, maybe a few. Sometimes a little crush that lasts. But nothing super serious. There are a number of “secrets” I can share relatively easily. Outside of that, I'm guarded. I'd never had, or expected, anything more.

And then I met a guy, as one does. lol We went from (really pretty vanilla) RP to a not-quite-total D/s power exchange. It wasn't fast, or easy, but it was so fulfilling and intimate. Not to be dramatic, but my life changed.

Last summer, after about 15 months, he broke it off. We stayed friends, and we've played. (Why not? It's good!) But it's clear now that we won't be going back to the dynamic. I'm grieving (?) both him and being owned.

I've played with one or two ppl recently. Very casual chat. It's been fun. I've enjoyed light power exchange. I'd like to keep playing. I have a pretty high libido, and the idea of not playing at all is sad.

I know it's been a long time now, but there's still a soft spot where that relationship was. Sometimes it's just plain hard. Then I'm not any fun at all. There are kinks that I enjoy, and I know they'll come up, but I'm not sure I'll be ready to do them, or even discuss them, with someone else. (At the same time, I can't lie and say I don't like them.)

Idk how to navigate this whole thing with playmates. I don't want it to disrupt the atmosphere. I def don't want anyone to feel responsible for “fixing” me or anything. (I prefer to mourn alone. Worrying about whether I can truly trust a person on top of the struggle itself is a lot.) I also don't wanna be disrespectful or minimize the value of our play.

Is it best to just “be busy” when I need time? Is that just blowing them off? I recently went with, “it's ex-Dom stuff, and I'll be over it in a jiffy.” I think it went well. But it was so uncomfortable to say, and I feel bad about basically saying I'm stuck on someone else. I don't think of anyone as a rebound, absolutely not a “replacement." I'm not seeing if they "measure up." But I feel like that's the message it sends.

Part of me thinks I just shouldn't play until I'm really over it. No one wants a fixer-upper, and I don't wanna be one. How do ppl usually handle this kind of situation?

(I'm sorry so long.)

ETA: I didn't mean to use this acct, but you know what? Fuck it. It's already up. Every screen name is a human who's a little more complicated than their kinks. If you recognize yourself, I'm sorry.