I guess this is just a rant more than anything. A few months ago I fell into a severe depression due to a difficult life event. Even though we were in an intense and long term m/s relationship I felt like I couldn’t be honest about how much it was affecting me and I internalized it all to the point I completely broke down. Instead of dealing with it in therapy or talking to my partner I drank. I destroyed the trust we had together with my awful behavior. I’m over a hundred days sober now because I never want to behave like that again. I wanted a life with her and I was so ashamed and embarrassed of how I broke that trust I couldn’t cope. I still have panic attacks almost every day.

I wish I could explain to her how incredibly sorry I am and how sorry I feel literally every day. I wish I could make it up to her somehow and repair the damage I did to our relationship and dynamic but it feels like I can’t ever reach out to her. I guess it feels like I don’t deserve to. I don’t. When you find someone you trust to do this with, don’t break that trust. Don’t hurt them. I just wish she could know how truly sorry I am. If you struggle with addiction you can get sober - believe me it’s so hard, but it’s better than ruining everything you have with your partner. Take extra care of your partner in bdsm relationships because the trust it takes is so sacred. Rant over