On top of ropes & various types of bondage, I'm into heavy impact -(eg two-handed floggers, thumpers, punching) and some edge play (eg breath, blades, blood, cnc). I'm old, and I've been into this since <mumblemumble*young*mumble>.

I've had many tops, several Doms, lots of 1-off "play" at parties/events over the last ~30 years. Lots of kinky friends, been part of many local groups as I have moved around the world, engage online (here, for instance).

I have never figured out what to do/what I need for aftercare. D/top may tell me what they need when I ask, and I have always just gone with that because it seems reasonable (eg usually water & any wound care some kind of cuddling or touching and mutual reassurance/verbal high five)... but I often find myself laying there or walking away or whatever still feeling like I'm missing something.

I usually get the endorphins & dopamine floaty high for a bit, but I'm almost always still feeling like the blanket and talking and whatever wasn't *it*.

An example:

My last encounter, the top wanted to kiss me and cuddle and sleep after. He had to take several breaks because somehow I was wearing him out during what I considered a warm-up. During the session I never got sub space, I wasn't able to fall into it. It was ok, I liked the pain and the things we did- but it really felt like topping from the bottom since he was all over the place like a kid in a candy store trying out one implement after another. I was sort of just letting him explore, and telling him what was good/what he could do as well, other options, too much, how hard, etc. Every time I got close to getting into headspace, he would switch up- that's his thing he said, he thinks it's a mind fuck to "keep his sub guessing and on edge".

After, he fell asleep. I didn't want to be touched, but I let him have a hand or his leg touching me as a compromise. I just lay there awake on my phone until he woke and it was time to clean everything up and go. While I enjoyed laying there with my skin humming from the damage, and enjoyed the long drive home for the same reason... I still felt empty?

How do you figure out what you need?