I (33M) am in an ethically non-monogamous relationship with my partner and domme (35F), we’ve been together around 5 years now, we live together, with my partner’s husband – who I get along with really well, and I wholeheartedly intend to spend the rest of my life with this person.

While my partner is domme-only, I’m more of a switch, rather than a pure sub. I very much enjoy subbing, but I’ve always had desires to experience the other side of bdsm as well. Now, being in an ENM relationship, it’s entirely viable for me to look for opportunities to pursue those interests with another person, and I’ve always had my partner’s enthusiastic consent and encouragement to do so, with the agreement to be open and honest with each other about prospective partners if things look like they might have a chance to get serious.

However, the last two years have been a little rough for all three of us in our poly household with regards to mental health. Stresses at work, health problems, money worries, and underlying issues such as ADHD and autism have contributed to us all having recurring brushes with depression.

Now, a little over a month back, I started chatting with a possible sub, who I’ve really been hitting it off with. Usually, this would be the point where I’d share everything with my partner and make sure she’s happy and comfortable for me to potentially meet this person and go on a few dates to see how well we get along in person, however I’m struggling at the moment with doubts over what’s the most responsible thing I could do right now…

Two weeks ago, my partner had a major health issue come up, which is going to cost us a significant sum of money, helping neither of our mental states. On top of this, she’s really struggling with feelings of lack of self-worth and self-image at the moment, and while her husband and I do our best to help her rationalise these and reinforce our love for her, as anyone who’s suffered through feelings like that will likely know, they’re not something that can change overnight.

I’m honestly feeling paralysed at the moment over what I should do. Although my partner has always encouraged me to pursue my own happiness, how could I even bring up the subject right now? I can only imagine it’d be crushing to be reminded, when you’re already having worries over self-worth, that you can’t fulfil all of your partner’s desires. I can’t help but feel disgust at myself for even contemplating pursuing a personal interest when someone close to me is suffering. And at the same time, I know I’ll feel absolutely awful about letting down the person I’ve been talking to, when we were getting along so well. It wouldn’t be responsible of me to ask them to wait an undefined amount of time until partner and I are in a happier place. But what if I’m missing out on the best possible chance of a second lasting relationship, and something I’ve always sought after?

Any advice right now would be appreciated.