I have this internal debate, or just something that bothers me, not really a debate, due to my personal preferences and I’d like to know if I’m the only one who thinks like or if there’s other people who share these ideas, and maybe sparkle some interest in people who never considered that…

But for me, even though because it’s what’s mostly out there in 99% of the cases, my issues with bdsm, aside from social pressures, which in this matter means very little to me tbh, comes from it being necessarily attached to some kind of violence, torture, humiliation, degradation or such… and that never sat well with me, and after past the couple years that I’ve been studying and researching way more and deeply on the community and practices, that doesn’t cease to grow inside of me…

My question is that, are those necessarily bond together? Can BDSM exist without those being part of the experience?

In my research and internal questioning I take a lot of historical facts and info as material for reflecting on that, and it makes a lotta sense to me that BDSM spring out as an organized movement and practice with those acts as a base, first of all because we live in a patriarchal society basically WW and we all know that even though we had women being dommes back in the 1700s or 1800s here and there, their being dominant came mostly from a male desire to be submitted and submissive, more than a desire of their own having space and freedom to be expressed… So, bdsm genesis comes mostly from straight men in powerful positions expressing their desires, and latter expanding, with the leather gay movement being very notorious, but still, it’s men desires upfront. So, in a society that ww is ruled by and for men, a society that’s violent and violence praising, specially masculine, it makes total sense that the fertile, and probably, only possible ground that bdsm could be born as a movement and flourish would be under the guise of cis straight male desires and those that were closest to it…

So, my thing is, although I get the arousal that comes from spanking or forms of humiliation, it ain’t really my thing. Maybe this is why I’m so attracted to bondage, cause it doesn’t necessarily rely on any of those to happen, although it’s commonly performed with violence, humiliation, torture and such attached to it… but it’s not a condition, it’s a habit and a pattern, a common place and practice, which does not confine the practice around it. Other practices such as worshipping are fairly common in bdsm but we mostly see them attached to what I said, which is very awkward to me, cause if you get out of the male desire umbrella and domination, it’s pretty clear that in order for praising and worshipping somebody you don’t need to lower or degrade yourself, it could even be mutual and a source of lots of pleasure and excitement for everybody involved

Like I said, I’m not here judging people who like violence, humiliation, degradation and such, I get the excimer and pleasure that comes from it, but it ain’t really my thing and personally I think it’s possible to get way more pleasure from other practices.

Like I said, bondage and shibari do that perfectly, where restraining and stimulation do the thing, without pain being necessary. Also ageplay or petplay where you play with taboos and society conventions to explore forbidden desires and such, or other roleplays like family stuff, uniforms, characters cosplay and such

I said a bunch but what I think is that since it’s birth, bdsm evolved so much outside of the S&M thing which is the first that comes to mind, and for me, despite the name and origins, it’s all about exploring practices that are unconventional, that defies society’s norms and most of all, a different look and perception towards sex, as an act that’s not only driven by desires and something unconscious, but an act that can be planned, discussed and explored in deep… it’s getting in touch with those hidden, not discussed, “shameful”, dirty parts of uns and recognizing ourselves in them, making space, a safe one, for them and us to exist, integrating what we as a collective society by our own norms (mostly created by a very small group with power without general consent and shoved down our throas) have cast into the marginal and shame boxes, denying our own desires and our complexity and full spectrum of humanity

So with all that said (thanks if you read all that, I really appreciate it hahaha) I ask again

Does BDSM only exists with pain, violence, humiliation, degradation and such related? The practices that are far from conventional sex but not including those mentioned aren’t considered BDSM? Should that movement grow apart and be one different thing in itself?

I really would like to read all the opinions, those agreeing or not ☺️💜