Original post can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/15evtl8/feeling\_alone\_in\_my\_first\_ds\_dynamic\_subs\_what/

*TLDR from original post: I am ~2 months into my first dynamic with a Daddy Dom, and am struggling with deciding if I should address my needs for more attention/quality time in our relationship, or to be patient and understanding following a time that I know has been stressful for him, and see if he comes around on his own.*

Update:

First of all, I want to thank everyone in this community for taking the time to read my mini-novel and take the time to provide such considerate feedback. I felt seen, supported, and validated all thanks to you kinksters... Doms, subs, and switches alike. I took (actual) notes on your responses, considered what I wanted based on how my Dom responded, and went into the conversation with some focused talking points that really helped me advocate for myself and have some good communication, not leaving things unsaid. Thank you, from the bottom of my little service sub heart!

Let's get into it. After considering everyone's feedback, I felt it was best to talk with my Dom sooner rather than later. On 8/1, I texted asking him to call me to discuss something important. He called immediately upon reading my message, and we spoke for a little over an hour.

My objectives going into the conversation:

• Share & explain my feelings of insecurity/loneliness, ask for his help/reassurance.
• Directly request more frequent & quality communication. (Minimum of daily text check-ins.)
• Directly request that our next date be booked within 2 days. (*And that we work to schedule dates out moving forward, so I know when I will get to see him again.)
• Explain why these things are important to me (how it makes me feel).
• Directly ask if he is willing to provide these things, or if my needs are not matching what he is willing and capable of providing for me and we are not a good match.
• Pausing any D/s items until we see each other in person again to revisit & revise. (I decided not to get into this one over the phone, rather discuss IRL.)

Pros:

1. He was receptive to and willing to provide everything I asked for.
2. He apologized for me feeling alone/ignored and asked me not to be afraid of asking for attention or reassurance directly.
3. He reassured me multiple times that what I was asking for was not "overwhelming" or "too much" and that he was happy to do it.
4. I discovered he had both specific dates I had previously asked him to get off work in August memorized. (To me, this was evidence that I am still on his radar and in his plans)
5. Overall, got a much better understanding of how we both communicate and think about things.

Cons:

1. Over the course of the conversation, he was defensive in response to me sharing my feelings a few times. (Uncovered a conditioned behavior of his own from his past relationship... He was attacked instead of talked to by his last partner.)
2. He had no intuition that the distance lack of communication during July might make me feel unimportant/insecure. (Am I expecting too much thinking he should have anticipated this and stepped up his game knowing that? See point 2 above. He *did* say all I had to do was ask...)
3. Discovered he is not great at "naming his feelings". (When asked how he felt about something, responds with 'that's not a problem' or his rationale behind something, instead of identifying an actual emotion like happy/sad/angry/etc.) *I have worked with partners on this in the past, and am willing to work on this with him, so long as I am happy and my needs continue to be met.*

Takeaways/Things I learned:

• My Dom is very simple when it comes to communication... his own words. He does not see or look for hidden meanings behind my words or actions. I need to speak to him bluntly when I want something. All I need to do is ask, and he will give. Or, he will tell me he won't, and why he will not. He will not beat around the bush. He will not commit to something unless he is going to do it.
• At one point in the conversation, I asked him what it would look like if he was losing interest in our dynamic, or decided he did not want to continue. He said, "I would just ask you not to text me anymore. Is that not what you would do?" At this point, I realized and clarified that in his mind, continuing to talk to me at all (even infrequently) was his way of communicating through actions that he was interested and still wanted to see me. I made sure to thoroughly explain that it feels good to me to hear from him/get a text that says "I'm thinking about you/can't wait to see you/etc".
• His stress response is to withdraw and isolate to avoid dumping his stress on me. This is something we have acknowledged we are going to work on together. I'm open to suggestions from anyone who has experience working through this.
• I am also to blame here. I was not nearly explicit enough in our original conversation (at the end of June) in which I thought I had communicated my needs to him. I left a fair amount open to interpretation and made assumptions that he knew what I wanted in its entirety based on a small amount of information. Closed loop communication on important items is a thing to consider moving forward to ensure mutual comprehension.
• He isn't perfect, and neither am I. (Duh) We both have things to work on, and we both made mistakes going into July that resulted in me feeling sad and isolated whilst he was clueless. (This is 100% on me for not telling him, because I didn't want to add stress and couldn't stand the idea of being so needy that I had to actually ASK him for attention.)

My decision is to stay in the relationship and give this thing a real shot over the next month. I want to see how things change moving forward from what I feel was a very eye-opening conversation for both of us. I am optimistic that we have an improved understanding of each other that will lead to better communication and a happier, healthier dynamic for both of us. I'm willing to put in the effort with him, so long as he is willing to do the same for me. 2 days out from this conversation, I am seeing gradually improved communication from him, and the initiative to share our calendars & schedule time together.