I’d ask over on the gay bdsm community but they don’t get as much traffic. so i figure i will get more helpful information here.

I’ve always been aware of bdsm, but never as a participant. Recently started to explore and learn about. Listening to podcasts like Watts the safe word and youtuber Evie Lupine.

I live in rural wisconsin. there is no gay bdsm community here. and the straight bdsm community is very small and following some posts on fetlife events. they come across as cliquish and they discourage single males from events unless they’ve been invited.

my boyfriend has no interest in pursuing or exploring this. so while i have hood consent in this endeavor. i’m largely on my own. so been trying to meet other subs online for consentual online relation.

been learning a lot about my self, patience and how to put myself out there and what kind of Dom I am. and getting a better picture of what kind of sub is suitable for me.

Finally, the last detail that I think is relevant is that I have ADHD. I think that impacts a lot on how I approach this and others.

Among the criticism that I’ve received, some frequent ones are that I’m too rational, over think, I ask too many questions, and some of my instructions are overly complicated. These things have put off a number of subs. and frankly it sucks. it was made worse when i was recently catfished by a sub. who claimed their dom instructed them to catfish other doms. but i’m suspecting that it was his way to end things more than anything else.

but back to the main topic. to some extent, i get it. when i’m excited about something, i become hyper focused. engrossed in the experience. the look, smell, feel and sounds.

i also desire to know what makes my sub tick. to know what strings to pull for my pleasure and theirs. to know what things makes them feel subservient to me. and what and why makes me feel dominant to them.

and if you know anyone with ADHD when they get hyper focused. you understand. you’ll understand how the clear expectations compliments ADHD. how reigning in impulsive behavior is important. how it motivates me to stick to a routine where i would otherwise struggle. play is a sort of mediation for me.

i desire to accommodate my subs needs with my needs and what we negotiated. twice i was able to find what i describe as a flow. when i’m jiving with a sub. everything i do feels natural to me, i don’t have to think about all i’m doing.

but i can’t seem to get out of my head. i know exactly what i want, what i’m going to do and why i’m going to do it. but i can’t find that flow again. and based on what some of these subs have told me. i think i’m just getting mired with the details.

i’ve sought help from other gay doms. but only one has been sincere, and he is really a switch. but i’m hopelessly distracted when i talk to him for particular reasons.

so i’ve come here. hoping for advice try can help me.

how do i get out of my head? how do i fight my habit of thinking of too many details and needing so much information? how do i find that flow again?