My partner (m26) and I (f28) have a strong interest in BDSM and I am the one in control but most of the time I am not “acting dominant” it is just a rule that I’m in control and generally direct the sex. I have been wanting to get serious with it and have proper play sessions with costumes and restraints and whatnot because we honestly are mostly vanilla and I know we both want/need more. Spanks every once in a while aren’t cutting it lmao. However for some reason I struggle to find my character and get in the hardcore Dom headspace and it’s something I’ve been working on and making good progress.

Here is where I need advice.

We have always talked about being open/NM but having each other as primary partners and being safe etc etc. but nothing has happened until now. He has someone he likes to sext with and that is totally fine and such a small step in that direction honestly but when I found out I felt the urge to degrade him sexually. I have never had that before and it felt so hot that I could suddenly come up with all these nasty things to say to him.

Is this bad? I felt it was hard to want to be truly foul to him during sex because he’s so sweet and nice and hardworking. I had no ammo. I couldn’t come up with anything to say that felt hot to me. But now I want to bully him for being such a pervert. Is it ok for me to channel these feelings into BDSM while I am also going through the emotional distress and mental work that comes with non monogamy? Is it problematic for me to want to channel my emotions this way? Would it be healthier to avoid crossing my controlling role with my new role as an aggressive freedom giver?