Hey,

I never thought I would post in here because I am just so reserved, but heeeere I am. I'm a sub through and through. I recently got into the kink life around like december last year after suppressing it for a *long* time (one dom at 19 then nothing until recently at 32). Something something little town/small minds shaming people for liking kink. You know the drill. ANYWAY, I had an amazing dom that allowed me to have feelings and reciprocated. It was the perfect situation. I was validated, I was safe, I was happy.

Unfortunately, there was tension between his partner and I (even despite us separating and no longer being friends, I had nightmares about them constantly). I decided I had to leave and it was horrific on my heart. I didn't know how horrible it felt not having a dom in my life. It felt like I had no purpose suddenly. In a panic, I threw up a personal ad and tried to find another dom to fill the void that felt like it could swallow me. I got a lot of responses, but quickly settled into a new dynamic with someone who was super caring and assured me I wouldn't be abandoned if he found a partner. Things went really well, I allowed myself to let my guard down and then real life happened on his end and caused things to fizzle.

3rd time's the charm right? No. I made another post *extremely* specific to what I wanted and needed. I'm under no illusion that I want something most people find unrealistic. I'm ENM and, in a dynamic, I want to be able to feel for another person. I want to have fun outside of the dynamic like play games or talk about shows and stuff. I want to connect with someone on more than just one level.

Sex is my love language. I fall for my doms routinely so I make it explicitly clear that I want to be able to feel freely, but I don't want to change my ENM situation. I just want to be able to love another person, and them love me genuinely. I like being able to call it more of a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. That's when I find the most intimate feelings come forth and it is a feeling unrivaled. It makes aftercare MUCH more effective when someone whispers how much they love you and care for you after intense play. At least, in my perspective.

Even though I was really specific, I still had replies that would say they understand what I mean. We connect, we share interests, we play a bit and then they say they didn't understand what I meant. I have been used several times by people who just come on, chat a bit, get off and leave. Not even staying a little after finishing. That, or, if it's a single person, they will tell me that if they get a partner, they will end the dynamic with me. I don't find that unreasonable, but I don't want to just have a timed dom. I want a long term thing I can feel safe in, you know?

Like.. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I try to be as open and transparent with all my potential doms and it is getting exhausting. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I just give up on it all. It hurts so much.

Is it truly that unattainable? Am I missing some sort of secret language?