Doing legitimate no contact has (like everyone said it would) made me see things more clearly. I spent so much time focusing on my husband and his emotional wellbeing that I never focused on my own. I spent so much time cleaning up other people's messes that I never took time to assess my own messes. I focused on his family instead of my own. Everything was directed outwards, never inwards.

I sat in therapy last night and realized I have never ever GRIEVED. Not my childhood, my sexual assault, people I have lost, relationships that ended... not a single time. I spent 100% of my energy avoiding pain. I could teach a Master Class in not feeling hurt because you're too busy/distracted to. I'm feeling everything all at once now. While it is insanely overwhelming, it's also so relieving. I feel like a pipe that's been clogged has finally been cleared out. This pain and hurt and the tears are washing over me like a glacial waterfall.

I am sad and thats ok. I miss my husband and thats ok. I am sad I am alone and that's really really ok. It's ok to feel all of this shit.... and it's ok to feel weird FEELING for the first time. I've always felt uneasy, every day, as far back as I can remember. Today, for the first time, I don't feel that sinking anxiety that something terrible is going to happen. It's like waking up and being able to see after years of blindness. I'm actually in control and everything is legitimately going to be fine.

I'm proud of myself... and that's ok too.