D-Day #3 - 11/8

I've spent months trying to regain trust since D Day #2. We've been in therapy (both IC and MC). He's going to CODA meetings. He has a sponsor. He has the tools to do the right thing. We have a babysitter app on his phone. Still, he found a way. He used my daughter's laptop to open a secret email and has had 2 separate EAs all while I was caring for him before and after his heart procedure.

I've realized how codependent I am and I'm working through this. This isn't my fault. This isn't due to my shortcomings. This is him being unable to be monogamous in response to emotional stress. I'm stressed, but I make the choice not to relieve that stress by cramming random dicks in my mouth. I got married because I wanted a healthy relationship. I wanted monogamy, honesty, and support.

I don't know what happens next. I told him NC until marriage counseling next Tuesday. From now until then I'm going to practice self care and I'm going to be patient with my emotions. I'm still shocked and full of disbelief. Things seemed so good. We were talking about him maybe moving back in down the road. Therapy has been amazing. I had no indication this would happen again. I asked for reassurance and he gave it willingly. His lies are so convincing. Or I'm just gullible.

I don't want this to be how my life is.