I went to therapy first.

It was a good session. I talked about how I got into the situation I'm in... my motivators, the vulnerabilities that I expose, and the people I chose to open up to. I have a lot of work to do to get to a point where self care becomes second nature. I need to learn to be patient with myself and with life... good things take time. I need to stop being motivated by fear, anxiety, and insecurity. I need to make decisions that set me up to have the kind of life that I want. All these things seem like no brainers... but I guess I never really spent much time focusing on myself so I was blind to my own behaviors and patterns.

I went and picked up my new glasses, next.

The pair that was waiting were the ones my husband liked. We picked them out on D Day. They've been sitting there for weeks but I couldn't bring myself to go get them. I'm glad I did it today. I didn't cry. I just got out of the car, walked in, tried them on, and left. I didn't even cry when I got to the car. I definitely almost had a panic attack, but instead of dwelling, I messaged my best friend.

I went to Home Goods.

I have never been there before. I want to get a new bed set so that I can change up the scenery here and ditch the painful memories associated with the old comforter. I was anxious. I apologized to every person I walked near. I felt huge with my cart, like I was taking up too much space. I spent about 5 minutes looking at what they had and then needed to leave. I kept seeing things my husband would love. I made it to the car. I messaged my best friend.

I went to Tractor Supply.

I needed pine Pellets for the cat and I was going to get food for my husband's dog, but she's been eating my dog's food and has been doing fine. I decided to just go with what works. I needed the litter though, so I forced myself to go in. I remember shopping for my husband at Christmas here. I grabbed the heavy bags of Pellets. 40lbs each. I got a little dizzy. I stood for a minute and watched the ducklings and chicks. We were going to do chickens this year. I remembered my husband's best friend told me he did clover in his lawn. I walked over and grabbed a few bags. I'll try something new. I checked out, loaded up the car, and messaged my best friend.

I went to the dentist next.

I got there 30 minutes early so I messaged my husband's ex wife. She told me how much the kids miss me, especially her daughter. We made plans so I can see her. I don't want her to think this was her fault. I walk into the dentist. The last time I was there, I was pregnant so I couldn't get x-rays. I almost cried when they asked if I could be pregnant before my x-ray. My dentist is kind and asked how I was. I gave a one line summary of my tragedy. She looked me in the eyes and told me she was so sorry. I didn't cry. I'll take the mint fluoride, thanks. I made my appointment for November. I'll the the day off and get my cleaning and then renew my license. We both have to renew our license this year. I walked to my car and drove home.

I did more today than I've done in the past six weeks. My life has become so anxiety filled and every moment is driven by emotions. Either my anxiety is about my husband or my health. Something IS wrong or something WAS wrong. Today, I just did what needed to be done. I'm picking up the house, one thing at a time. I'm caring for myself, one day at a time. I'm planning on planting my seeds any day now, but it's hard. Some things I can force myself to do... but some things just remind me too much of my husband. I love gardening, but I don't know how I'm going to set foot in that glorious structure and not think about him. One day at a time, I guess. And... when it's time to take that step... you better believe I'll text my best friend.