It's been five weeks since D Day. As many of you know, I've really struggled with no contact. At first I couldn't even commit to sleeping alone/having my husband leave... but eventually I got there. Then it was "No Contact Lite" where we were not talking per se, but we were communicating via journals and reddit posts. Finally we tried doing NC but I was given access to his Google Account and spent days deep diving to find more things to be upset about.

I started over fresh today. My husband messaged me at 3:30 in the morning asking me not to give up on us. I realized that even when I'm prepared to get a good night sleep, he finds some way (intentionally or not) to prevent it. I need to focus on my health. I need to stop obsessing. I need a break.

Over the past few weeks I have found multiple new and super upsetting things. My husband is a stranger to me. I feel like I was grifted into loving someone that never existed. He cheated on me so many times with so many people. He lied about so many things. He damaged me in such a severe way that I'm now rehashing childhood trauma and I'm too anxious to leave the house most days... I am not myself.

It's NC Day 1... after over 30 new D Days in a row, enough is enough. I dont have any more time to waste waiting for the full truth. I need to heal. Someone said on here that "by not going NC, I'm denying my husband the natural consequences of his actions". Not anymore. I have done a thorough retrospective of our relationship and this was not my fault. I wasn't lacking in kindness, sexuality, or emotional intelligence. I was engaging, fair, paid for more than half of everything, and did most of the housework. My husband deceived me. He lied about his past and his choices. He lied about his situation and mental health. He talked to and sought out other women the entirety of our relationship. He screamed at me in moral opposition to things I suggested he did (ex. Being furious that I'd suggest he'd pay for sex when I found proof he did it MULTIPLE times).

I'm done. I won't spend another day refreshing Google to see what websites he visited. I won't spend another minute looking at his camera roll or trying to recover deleted messages or learn the addresses of secret accounts. I shouldn't need to validate my husband's trustworthiness. I shouldn't need to help him tell the truth. I shouldn't have a hundred reasons to doubt him, all signed "Single and Ready for Something Serious in Connecticut". I shouldn't be stuck wondering for the rest of my life what terrible things I'll never know about because his embarrassment and guilt made him delete things.

I'm going to focus on me - for real this time. I uninstalled the Watcher app. I signed out of Google. I blocked him on every social media app and he has a friend he can go through in emergencies. I won't be sending updates about my health. I won't be asking for passwords. I won't be asking questions about dates or addresses or emails. It's time for once I take care of myself.

I realized that part of my grief here may not have anything to do with my husband... I'm so used to taking care of people that I'm devastated that for the first time there's nobody for me to care for but myself. I used to have a friend I'd run to, but he was a drunk and that was a toxic nightmare. I used to have my husband and his young kids. He saw to that getting ruined. And my teenager is so busy she barely sees me once a month (but man is she amazing at sports!!!).

It's Kate time. I've got this. I used to take care of myself in the "before times" I just need to get my sea legs back.