I discovered my husband's affair and excessive lies about his life one month ago today. It's been rocky. It's been harder than anything else I've ever experienced. He emotionally lashes out at me when I tell him how I'm feeling... some word or phrase will hit a nerve and he'll get defensive or accusatory. He'll be fine one minute and tell me how much he loves me and wants to be the man I deserve... but then he faux abandons me after a tense conversation or asks accusatory questions as if I were the one who lied to him about being divorced when we met, or I lied about having an online hooker problem that manifests in times of stress, or that I had a four month emotional affair where I catfished someone into thinking I wanted to marry them and "fuck a baby into them"... and then gave her my home address after she told me she took psych meds.

Today I had to put my foot down. It's been a month and he still hadn't given me his email password. He didn't give me a breakdown of his bank statements or Venmo history. He let me glance at Venmo on his phone in person, but got anxious and asked for the phone back and considered the matter settled. There's SO much I've found through Google searches and with the help of some of his friends... and yet he still only comes clean when backed into a corner.

He still hasn't done a thorough recounting of his instances of infidelity that also showed what WE did on those days. A great example? He paid an online whore for a special video just for him on a day where I got up early to make him breakfast for the road. I looked back at our conversation history and saw he forgot the breakfast and had a bad day. To cheer him up, I cooked ravioli for him and his kids for dinner. I had a bad day that day. I had family therapy to deal with drama with my teenage daughter... but I still loved him and provided for him. He paid $100 to a whore to lick her own ass juice off a glass dildo in his name.

Today I asked him why I would want to see his accounts now a MONTH later. He promised me he didn't delete anything, but there's no records of his four month affair aside from what his girlfriend sent me. He deleted the Reddit account he used to solicit whores and got rid of all of the conversations he had when he first reached out to her... a few days after his birthday. He said "I am not lying" and I asked "give me one thing that you've said or done that makes you trustworthy. His response? "I left when you told me to."

This was my house before he and I met. None of the furniture is his. Even the stuff his kids have I either bought, paid half for, or handed down from my daughter. I have a traumatic past and he knows lying and infidelity are non-starters for me. As a victim of sexual assault, I need to feel safe. He knew all of that and made an entire relationship worth of choices to lie and hide and sneak around... all that being said he replied "I left when you asked me and that makes me trustworthy". He really thinks that makes him believable.

I retorted that he has no right to be here and that if I have to I'll get a protective order. He didn't like that. He got mad and asked how he's ever been violent or made me feel threatened. I commented that his lies, sexual risks, and mental health issues make him dangerous to me as a victim of sexual assault. Not being able to feel safe with someone in my home is detrimental to my health and safety. I also commented that he has the capacity to hurt me and I have a camera roll full of two years of sex bruises that he used to give me and then make me take photos of the next day "to see his marks all over me". At the time those marks seemed healthy, but in context with all the lies and deception - I feel sick and unsafe and upset. He lost it when I said that and told me to not talk to him unless it's about medical stuff (I may be pregnant because we were trying) or divorce papers.

So... I stopped talking to him. 45 minutes later he calls. I ignore it. He calls four more times in the next few hours. I ignored them all. He then texts... no reply. He then sends me his Gmail password. I ignore it. Then he sends an email recounting the lies he already admitted to with none of the context I asked for (no dates side by side with what WE did that day, no dollar amounts or Venmo history)... its the same shit he already got caught on. I don't reply. He posts a blog post venting his frustrations about how I don't trust him and saying he wants to make things work.

I'm tired. I'm disappointed. I'm angry and hurt and I feel like I shouldn't have to pity him for not being comfortable or happy. I shouldn't be yelled at when he gets frustrated. If he can't handle hearing my feelings he shouldn't talk to me. If he can't stop himself from reacting, he should leave me alone. If he doesn't want me to file divorce papers, he shouldn't suggest it in a fit when his feelings get hurt. If he doesn't understand why I'm scared of him or can't be understanding and patient... why the fuck am I even wasting my time talking to him.

I miss the man I thought he was. I felt safe and loved and happy. That guy would never lose his cool on me or retaliate. That guy wouldn't hear the pain in my voice and only focus on his own. I miss that man.