Almost 1 week since he cut contact with AP. Slightly complicated bc of the open relationship, but I originally posted here bc some individuals on the poly advice and open marriage subs mentioned what he did was cheating and NOT ethical non-monogamy.

In the beginning of last week I was still all nervous and anxious, still having trouble eating due to panic... I was terrified he would tell me he changed his mind or she called or texted and he would be resuming his communications and spendovers. So far it seems like he was serious. They aren’t speaking and MC Friday went really well. I told him I was terrified and anxious still... I felt like I was on edge waiting for him to be like, just kidding I’m still seeing her! I told him I didn’t know if I could trust him since he lied to me about seeing her for the first month they were sleeping together... I am terrified he’ll have a repeat “affair”. It felt like the worst thing I’ve lived through... Just over 3 months of living every day with someone who was choosing to hurt me by neglecting the agreements and limitations in our relationship in order to pursue a relationship with another woman. 3 months knowing he broke all of our carefully constructed boundaries and plans because it was something “he wanted” and it “wasn’t fair” to him if he couldn’t do what he wanted. 3 months of me struggling with postpartum depression, my panic disorder and my anxiety while he kept trying to convince me that I was the one being unreasonable and what he was doing wasn’t wrong and wasn’t hurting me.

Friday at therapy they laid it out and now I feel like we have so much more to work on. Apparently he’s a narcissist and I’m severely codependent. After I told him everything I’d been feeling, the hurt, the pain, how scared I was that it would happen again, he finally told me he was wrong in what he did. He finally stopped making excuses and explaining and justifying his actions. He finally said what he did was wrong. I honestly don’t know how much further we’d be able to progress if he didn’t come to that conclusion. Thank goodness. This weekend felt like a great reset.

After therapy I feel like we reconnected. This weekend was just like old times, but better because we also had our son with us. Tonight he asked me if I loved him. I said yes, and meant it this time without any reservations in the back of my mind. I feel like for months I’ve been living with this internal conflict... how my whole family thought he and I were happy and enjoying the first few months of our child’s life while in reality I was having panic attacks, went back on my meds, and was crying weekly. I couldn’t tell them about the weekly fights, me not trusting my feelings, why we were in therapy! I feel like I can finally be myself again.

Hopefully this will last. Hopefully he will continue to address his need for the attention from women, his need to feel that “infatuation”... hopefully he will continue to work toward being the partner he aspires to be and that I expect him to be. I hope in the future, we work through everything as a team instead of him putting himself first. I think it’s a long road, but we are on it and I am hopeful.