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We are almost 4 years into reconciliation. The only reason we survived the first year is because I'm a pushover. But we had good progress in the second year and things have gotten easier for me this year finally. It's gone from 100% thinking about it all the time, to 80%, which doesn't seem like much but it's a big difference. So because I've finally felt better and more secure I asked my WH to give me his version of the affair. I know who she is, approximately how long it was for (4 years at least) but it's only from my snooping. He never gave me info other than admitting he did have an affair with her.
My reasoning for wanting HIM to tell me that happened is that I want to get rid of that huge secret that he and her know about, but that I don't. It's symbolic, to let me back in, and to break ties with his secret (even though I know the general gist of it). But he has refused. Initially when I approached him a few months back he said he would think about it, but this last week I broached it up again and in no uncertain terms he said he would not be talking about it anymore. I told him I was disappointed and that I thought it would hurt our relationship in the long run but I said I would never bring it up again.
And I wont. I feel like I'm done reading books, trying to figure how to heal from this, I'm done crying about this. I was hopping we were at a point where we could open that box, look at the contents and clean it out, but instead we're going to keep that box in the middle of the living room and just pretend it's not there.
In other ways we have grown a lot and gotten closer, and I do feel that our relationship is so much better, that why this was going to be the cherry on the top. It was also going to be a weight off my shoulders. But that's that and while he has grown a lot I see still cannot deal with the shame and face what he did.
I honestly don't know what the point of this post is other than I feel like I'm done. Not with the relationship per se, but definitely last weekend something inside me broke and I'm like, I'm not going to keep on tending to this would. If it heals on it's own great, if it blows up to hell, that's ok too.
My original post to reddit 4 years ago when I started realizing what was happening, basically whatever info is in there is what I know. It's long and not a necessary read but feel free to read it if you need context. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fe3w50/husband_43m_had_affair_with_36f_that_he_wont/
It's not so much about wanting to know as it is like a symbolic gesture on his part to let go of that secret tie with her. it's like they have their own little room and I'm the outsider. I don't know why it's so hard to understand for them.
I think part of what makes reconciliation hard in my case is that there is always a part of me that says "No sane person would stay with someone after they did that to them". I vacillate between he's an awful person deep down if he was able to do that or he's just a really broken fucked up person but not bad. Now I'm mostly on the broken side but I still have my moments.
And yes, it does feel liberating to not care so much anymore. I don't know if it's permanent though. I usually feel this way after letdowns in our progress but this time feels different. Almost like I'm accepting that he's deeply fucked up and this is all he can offer.
I think you hit the nail on the head, when I've come to the realization that this is as repaired as it's going to be. I choose not to worry about whether this amount of repair is going to be enough or not. Time will tell. But I'm done being the nag telling him that if only we do this it could be so much better. At first I felt sad that he wasn't willing to take that last step, but now I feel sort of liberated, not being the eternal keeper of this flame. Or maybe I'm disengaging because there's only so much pain you can take.
No, because I already explained to him why it would be helpful to me. I told him that him not telling me what happened is him continuing to keep me as an outsider to "their" secret. I don't need to explain it a million times. Certain things are obvious unless you are deluding yourself and he is choosing to delude himself that by not telling me what happened it's less problematic. You can't convince someone that does not want to be convinced and after 4 years of progress why should i keep convincing him?
His reasoning is that he wants that to be over, he doesn't want to think about it. It's like he has disgust for that so he doesn't even want to mention anything related to it. He also said that I keep moving the goalstick, and it's always something different that he as to do, and that it's just bc I read of it in a book (Shirley Glass recommends couples come up with a shared story about the infidelity as the final step in reconciling).
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Yes, I look back on that and can't believe how blind I was, but also how little i thought of myself that I let someone humiliate me like that. It was the most degrading experience ever.