We are over a year post DDay for me, and about 6 weeks for him. I feel like we're going nowhere and I don't know what to do. I am going to IC and trying to sort myself out. I've lightly suggested IC for him and he isn't interested. I'm sure suggestion MC is going to have the same affect. It's also hard to find MC who will willingly take a couple that has a history of physical abuse, regardless of how recent it was not. Nothing feels like it's changing for the better. It just feels...stuck. the same old same old. When he was processing my betrayal, he raged at me. Called me names, belittled me, deep dived my phone, yelled at me etc. I sat there and took it. I apologized over and over for being an awful wife and not being who he needed. All the while (per his "omission") he was dating and having sex with other women.

Fast forward to current. He is still suspicious of my whereabouts. Asking me why my location doesn't match me being at work (I literally no longer leave my desk, not even for lunch), who's in the background (the tv), why am I being distant and so on. I've literally started providing him with my every move and not expecting the same in return. I've caught him in a lie about drinking, his location was off a couple of nights ago and the security system shows him leaving around 9:30 p. None of these things I have addressed with him. I so badly want to to deep dive his phone and for him to prove to me he's not talking to any of his 20 AP. But I know if I ask, it's going to met with hostility. He says I have access to his phone but I know if I actually ask, it will be a different story. I feel like there is no room for me to feel my betrayed feelings. He'll ask me what's wrong. If I do state my feelings he internalizes them and I have to end up apologizing for making him feel bad.

My therapist says I'm obsessed with him and asks how am I not exhausted after consuming all my thoughts to my spouse. That I am incredibly codependent and am only hurting myself. She told me it was ok to "care" about his feelings but what I'm doing is giving him ultimate "control" over my life and being a pick me. Any decision I do make is based on how he'll react/feel. That I don't actually do anything for myself. I have no boundaries and the ones I do try to put in place, I don't enforce with him. I don't know what to do. I feel like my spouse deserve someone who is an independent adult and does things for themselves. That doesn't have a broken, codependent thought process. To do anything for myself or make my own choices feels inherently selfish and wrong. It feels like the opposite of R. It feels like doing "whatever I want" and shutting him out.