Please bear with me. I'm so sorry. I feel so lost, confused, angry and frustrated. "Seeing clearly" is a legitimate struggle right now.

I don't know what to do with myself.I feel like I can't do or accomplish anything that isn't a repetitive task. Every move I make, I somehow second guess myself. I have to justify why I am leaving but talk myself out of it. All of it feels an an excuse. I feel like such a horrible person, an awful mom, a terrible wife. That I can't do anything right. I go to therapy, I'm trying to work on coping mechanisms but I keep spiraling. I know I do it but it's like my brain overrides me trying to manage. Love is about forgiveness, I know this. I am so weak minded I cannot seem to let go of all of the partners he has engaged with.

I have let my husband back into my life and yet it's still not enough. He still tells me I want nothing to do with him, despite giving him every waking moment of my time. To the point I let my daughter do sleep over with her cousins every weekend, just so be and I can spend even more time together. My best friend told me I'm about useless and asked me to move out since I keep seeing my husband. Now I'm couch surfing with my aunt.

I've stopped doing my self improvement things and "living life for myself/my daughter". I'm back to doing back flips just to feel wanted and loved. Secretly hoping for validation or for it to fulfill a need. No matter how much I chastise, berate and tell myself I'm stupid, i just won't stop. I constantly feel the need to prove feelings are true and honest. That no one else's love, affection, adoration will be enough. Yet I sit here and scream at myself why do I want something so badly from a person who has hit me before, who wished me unalived, who at the very least had many emotional affairs throughout our almost 20 years. The person who said his 20 recent physical affairs were because he couldn't account for my whereabouts, so by that logic I was doing it too. The same person who last had sex with someone who wasn't me, 3 weeks ago. I am convinced I deserve this punishment a million times over.

Then I trap myself in the cycle of "he hadn't hit me since he stopped using drugs (except when he found out my solitary indiscretion). That he had so many affairs because I deserved it. That I'm an awful mom because I would rather spend time with him than my daughter. I want his approval so badly I'll do anything for it. I'm a bad person, I am broken. I can't leave because he'll find someone better".

This is all I ever talk about in therapy I'm not healing, I'm not growing. I'm just sitting here, pathetically. I just want all of these feelings to stop. My daughter is going to grow up hateful and resentful of me because I'm too pathetic to get my shit together. My husband also deserves better than me. Someone who trusts him and isn't suspicious. doesn't ask questions and is strong enough to work through/overcome anything.