Wife was raped for years by step grandfather as a teen, lead to drug abuse and subsequent recovery now on a business trip, she cheated on me with a 60 year old man (she is 26) their ‘friendship’ is clearly predatory but she’s totally fallen for it.. not sure how to proceed.

Our marriage has been strong until 2 months ago. She went on this trip and came home and I found nudes she sent to him. Texts heavily suggesting more were sent. Very sexual comments sent to each other, and folks from the trip reached out with major concern saying how much time they spent together.

Most of all she seems OFF. I mean like one moment seems just resentful of me, the next ashamed, the next in a different world. It truly feels like my wife went on a trip and someone else came home. She totally denies anything physical took place but I don’t buy it. Way too many sexual messages, nudes. I love you’s etc. this guy clearly manipulated her into thinking he had some deep connection etc. even asking about me and saying how I and his wife should meet so we can all be friends together. She shared her snap location with him (she NEVER does that with anyone) and while he defintely leads the charge in flirtation she goes along with it.

We are in marriage counseling but she still hasn’t admitted this is wrong. Now I don’t believe for a minute that this is romantic or she ever planned on running away with him or leaving me for him. (Although now she says she doesn’t know what she wants because she’s confused-counselor thinks she’s just deeply guilty and doesn’t want to confront it) However it was some weird friendship/affection bond for her. But why a 60 year old man after the man who raped her for years was the same age? She says she could talk to him about her addiction she struggled with as his son died of one, that much is true, but this guy bought her alcohol like crazy, that shows he doesn’t care about her addiction.

I’m just in shock, this is a totally different woman than who I married. We were happy, I don’t believe there was something she wasn’t getting with me. I think some really bizarre switch flipped in response to her past trauma that she fell for a predator again. The parallels with alcohol being involved even are scary. My heart breaks for her but my boundaries have been crushed and she’s still not honest with me. Infact she even hides behind her trauma (how could you think I would get in bed with another old man after what happened?) but yet I would think she wouldn’t be comfortable chatting about her body or blowjob jokes with one either then.

I just.. I know she’s not well right now, so I don’t want to leave if she’s going to get her head straight. However, I know I can’t save her. I know she has to work through this stuff (lots unresolved from her past) and I can only do so much. But if I left I feel like then I’m letting this old creep ‘win’ my wife and putting her in more danger of abuse/manipulation/relapsd.

I’m just trying to understand what happened in her head. The counselor thinks she is very guilty and is deflecting, that she’s very confused because this trip brought up past trauma etc. That it really isn’t about me but clearly affects me. I’m just lost. I love her so much.

Also-she is VERY attractive, as in if she wanted to cheat she could have dozens of times. I don’t believe she has. So why a 60 year old man?