On Dec 17th I overheard her on the phone with him. I remembered that tone of voice she was using. That used to be for me. I asked her about it later in the day, when our kid was playing with neighborhood kids, and she admitted that she “liked” him and that they had a strong, emotional connection but they had never done anything physical. I chose to believe her because arguing or pushing likely would have shut off communication.

Important context: my wife has a diagnosis of a sex addiction (understanding that that’s controversial) and has been working with therapists on that for years.

Since then we’ve been trying to work through it. We’re in couples counseling and talking through it. While I am shattered that this happened, I can see her position and I have compassion for her. So we agreed to work to stay together.

Yesterday, I open our piano bench (for a keyboard. No fancy piano here) to get some music and find a stack of papers with haiku poems printed on them. And they describe a wildly physical relationship:

“Exactly three weeks Since you were inside of me Details slip away”

And there were more. So I reach out to a co-worker of their’s that I know - yes, they work together. After a little resistance they talk about a recent trip to a city north of us. I knew about the trip, it was a work thing but the guy wasn’t a part of this team and at the time I didn’t know about the affair. The co-worker acquaintance says that he was there and that he and my wife shared a hotel room and were “touchy and cuddly” the whole time.

Right now, just a few hours after learning all of this, I’m raw, hurt and still processing. Part of me wants to throw in the towel and walk. The other wants to keep working on the marriage.

Understanding that she has an addiction and that normal “rules” and logic don’t entirely apply here, I need some advice. How do I bring this up with her in a way that doesn’t automatically push one of us to leave? Do I wait…cool down? Do I just keep this knowledge as information? Do I bluntly ask her about it?

Just feeling lost, betrayed and very confused. I appreciate your thoughts.