I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my situation with infidelity and abuse.

Quick recap: I 30m have been dating my gf 35f for almost 6 years. We are both former addicts, and she quit opiates to be with me because I set the boundary that I can’t be around drugs in the beginning. At the time, I was alcohol free but I picked it back up during our relationship. I started drinking badly and dug myself a deep hole of depression and began to emotionally abuse her. After 1-2 years of hell, she made the decision to cheat. I don’t blame her because I’ve literally told her, “if you want to break up, then just go cheat”

Now, I know that her cheating isn’t technically my fault at all. She made the decision, it was her choice. She had already emotionally checked out with the mindset “im done” - however I feel like I projected this entire situation upon myself. I was the leader and she quite literally submitted her entire life to me. It was the most beautiful love I could have imagined, my first great love.

She tells me she didn’t expect me to stay whatsoever, in fact she more or less expected a nuclear explosion. She says some days she’s still waiting for the nuke because I have anger issues.

My emotional abuse stemmed from anger of childhood trauma and growing up with a family that communicates by yelling and screaming 80% of the time. When I get into relationships and get comfortable, I start to act old childhood trauma and yell at my SO’s. I know this is NOT ok and I am taking every step to address these issues. Including seeing a counselor weekly to help me work on coping with anger, anxiety, depressjon, and today I am 30 DAYS CLEAN OF ALCOHOL!

it’s been almost 7 weeks since DDay. We are still in each other’s lives to an extent. She says she’s not speaking to AP anymore, which I mostly believe in my gut. However, NYE day I spoke with her on the phone and got mad and snapped a little because she ignored me the previous day, after telling me she wanted to go out with me. Then on the phone, she was being very indirect with planning our night. She tends to beat around the bush alot and im a really direct person so I like getting straight to the point.

Well I haven’t heard from her since, and I feel like a moron. Here I thought I was making great progress because I haven’t raised my voice in 7 weeks after her cheating on me. I should’ve known change can’t just happen in the snap of a finger. We still have ties in our lives like insurance and cell phone bill.

She always stresses about money because her income she spends all her money on booze, weed, and food. She’s not the same person when we met, as neither am I. She never used to drink this much, and her stress levels really show it.

I’m a biz owner and she’s invested $15k into me throughout our relationship, not expecting a return, she just trusted and believed in me. I lost it all making stupid investment decisions with Forex and Crypto. She still loved me; it wasn’t what broke the camels back.

Now im finally working my income back up, and her income has dropped. I want to help her but it’s very hard after all of this. However, I believe in manifestation and if I help her, then I’ll get the money back 10 folds. Money is just an object, but the thought of her using me scares me. Then another part of me says if I truly love her, I’ll help her get back in her feet.

She really is an amazing woman, everything I’ve asked for and more. I feel like my abuse broke her and was a HUGE factor in her cheating. Not my fault, but still… nobody knows our relationship better than us. This is why I think that I should help her because even if we work out or not, at least I know she’s good and happy. That is pure love. I just don’t know how good this is for my own mental health, but I do know that if I continue to help her then I need to drop the expectations of this can fix it.

We are no longer committed physically, but our hearts are still tied together emotionally. We are both emotionally unavailable, but since she’s made causal sex look so easy with AP, I want to try exploring. I’m honest, so I’d tell any date my entire situation, that im emotionally unavailable, and im looking for short term fun.

I think it would help me realize if I really love her or not, but it really hurts my heart to even think about being with another woman. Maybe I already have my answer there, or I just gotta give myself more time to let go before I try dating.

Thoughts? Do you think the cheating can be heavily influenced from abuse? Do YOU think this can be reconciled? Should I continue helping her? Is casual dating/sex a good idea at all? What are coping mechanisms that work for you?