My DDay was November 16 - exactly one week after my birthday, one week before thanksgiving, and about a month before holiday season.

Thursday (tomorrow) marks 6 weeks. I am still in the beginning stages, and all I can say is - this is a hell of a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve had many days that I felt positive, happy, and glad to have time to reflect. Other days, it’s hard.

There’s no doubt in my mind of the love we once shared together. It was real and mutual, but it became spoiled due to actions on both parts. However, her cheating was her decision. She knew was she was doing. She chose to end the relationship by cheating rather than just telling me it’s over.

It’s been hard to not “blame myself” - mostly due to the fact that I was abusive in many ways during our relationship. I even told her about a dozen or two times that “if you want to break up, just cheat on me. That will do it.” So toxic. I was projecting trauma from past relationships on her. She didn’t deserve all the yelling, screaming, name calling, be littling… And nobody, including myself, deserves to be cheated on. So we’re both at fault.

This sub Reddit has helped me so much to relate to other people’s stories. Some are much worse than mine, at least I wasn’t married or had kids with her. That makes me realize that there’s really nothing tying us together now, other than the fact we do genuinely care for one another.

But if she still cares, then why would she cheat? Simple answer, she really doesn’t care anymore… Maybe a small part of her cares because I know the love was real, but the act of a woman cheating means she already checked out of the relationship emotionally. It was over before she cheated in her head, but it wasn’t over for me. I didn’t see this coming the slightest.

That’s why I’m writing this post, because I came across another post discussing how the betrayed will always take more time to recover and heal, due to the fact the betrayed did not think it was over. I’ve had these thoughts but it wasn’t until I read this post that I realized how true it was… it helped me relate, not feel alone.

We dated for 2 months then lived together for 5 years. We hold sooooo many precious memories, but also many bad memories. Many of the bad were due to my past trauma and drinking. Nothing justifies cheating, absolutely nothing. However, nothing justifies years of emotional abuse and I did just that.

The difference between our abuse towards each other is - I did not see or understand what I was doing, at the time. Now I do. My sub conscious would take over and even sometimes my conscious mind would say “why are you doing this to her? You love her” but I didn’t stop… I dug myself a whole so deep, and didn’t realize until I couldn’t pull myself out. She couldn’t pull me out either and I realized it takes a village to save someone that deep in a hole. Abusing her meant I was abusing myself. Our relationship was always a direct reflection of each other. We quite literally mirrored each other souls, so when I hurt her, I hurt me too.

But she knew what she was doing… she knew it was over, in her eyes at least. She made the decision to cheat because she had enough pain and wanted something new. It’s sad for me to say, but I understand why she cheated, and I accept it for what it is. However, there’s still no justification for cheating… She could have made the first step for couples counseling or maybe something else. She did tell me many times that she couldn’t continue with how I was acting, but I didn’t listen to those warnings. I even have some recordings of our fights and conversations, she def gave me many genuine warnings.

Let’s talk about now… Today is my 26th day of ZERO alcohol 🙌 I’ve kicked it before for 9 months, and 1 full year. I didn’t need anyone but myself. I am a DJ, so I’m actually at the bars and clubs every weekend, practicing self discipline. I don’t need alcohol at all! I am seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, and I got lucky to find someone that I really like! I’m not religious but I am spiritual and feel closer to God than ever.

My relationship with her taught me sooooo many great lessons about myself and future relationships. That’s what real love is about imo. It’s truly helped me personally, emotionally, and spiritually. Even though it hurts sometimes, and it will for some time, I can genuinely say she was my first great love. It was the right place at the right time. We were two broken people that were placed in each others lives to teach each other lessons.

I realize now that, to truly love someone fully you must be whole. So that means, if I was my whole person when I met her and she wasn’t, it wouldn’t have worked. I would have taken the red flags for face value and went my own way. Truth is, I’m eternally grateful for the time I got to spend with her because of this. My true self is positivite, and when I’m at my peak - I find the positive in any situation, no matter how negative.

Change is here, and change is now. If you think it is slow and it will take years to change, then it will. If you think change is fast then it will happen faster than you can imagine. It’s all about looking for the positives.

The fact that it’s only been 6 weeks and I’m already feeling like my positive self is a miracle in its own. I say this because ive always suffered after break ups for years. What makes it really strange is - every other ex I dated was less than 1 year, and only one of my other exes taught me lessons but they were negative lessons. The woman who I’m writing this post about, the one who I still hold love for dearly, my first great love, together for 5-6 years, and she cheated on me, taught me how to love myself - taught me sooo many positive lessons, I have a list close to 1 dozen items.

We are still in each others lives to an extent, simply because we both still have love for one another. I made it clear that I can’t help with money because I don’t wanna feel used, and we set boundaries so I don’t run to those feelings. I just help her with small stuff to show her that she still matters. At first it seemed unhealthy for me because apart of me does want this to work myself out, but I’m learning to set aside my expectations and detach myself in healthy ways. Neither of us have any idea for a future together, nor do we vision one at the time. However, giving each other day by day without any expectations feels good and we have been communicating better the past 6 weeks then we have the past 1-2 years.

She tells me she’s not talking to her AP anymore, but it’s been lies in the past. This time I do believe her in my gut, but she currently not willing to prove it or show me her phone openly.

One day it can change. Either of us can wake up and realize, “this won’t work” - and that’s ok…

I know I don’t owe her anything because she tells me I taught her many great lessons too.