Hey everyone. About two months ago, my wife (38F) told me she kissed (her words: “more than a peck”) a male friend of hers. This kiss sparked something in her, both creatively and romantically, and now she wants to outwardly pursue a relationship with this friend. That’s the gist but here is what feels like a lot of nuance to parse through:

We’ve been married for 6 years, together for 10 , have a 2 yo, have a pretty nice life. We have a lot of love and trust.

 We’ve been trying for a second child and a few weeks prior to this event, my wife had a miscarriage. It was really tough, still is. A couple weeks later she went off zoloft, pretty quietly, didn’t mention it to our therapist, only mentioned to me in passing. 

The friend she kissed is a musician, someone she’s known for years and has been a part of our lives. The night of the event, he had a nearby show and she was going. I was genuinely thrilled for her to get out of the house, helped her pick out an outfit. 

We’ve always had conversations, particularly instigated by my wife, about being open about romantic feelings for other people and being open to the idea of opening up in the future. Neither of us have been in an open relationship before. Those conversations left us with the agreement that: we’d talk about those feelings when they arose before anything happened and take it from there.

To her credit, she told me about the kiss the day after. What she didn’t tell me was that she had been developing romantic feelings for months. She and this friend have a written correspondence, something I’ve never questioned or snooped on (prior) but it had been intensifying. One message I’ve been hung up on was one my wife sent a couple months prior about a dream she had where she and I were divorced and this friend appears and his presence makes everything blissful. It feels like emotional affair territory. To the friends credit, he is not pushy with his replies.

There was also a moment a few weeks after where I saw them exchanging texts and light heartedly asked what they were talking about. Got a response, asked to see it, she deleted the text, I snooped and found it, it was more than she let on.

She is using this event as a way to insert being monogam-ish. My wife reassures me, and I believe her, that she loves me, that she wants our life but that she needs to pursue these feelings for this friend.

 I love her and want her to be happy and fulfilled. I am also confused because I look at all the events leading up to and following and feel my trust ruptured. I’ve suggested that we slow down, do more work on ourselves to rebuild trust, have conversations about what evolving our relationship looks like, potentially just sit on it for some time because we’re still young parents and have multiple really big life events coming up in the next year. 

She is doing all the right things right now and is also holding this space for herself, rightfully so to understand her feelings for this friend. She is also leaving the door open for engaging him soon about her romantic feelings. This is where we disagree. I’m like, can we hold on involving him? Particularly because I feel like she’s seeking validation for whether or not to keep going and I think she knows that it’ll be reciprocated.

More nuance, she doesn’t want a sexual relationship with this friend. She wants a  deeply romantic relationship that involves kissing, being physically affectionate, writing. Which I am potentially open to in the future, so as long as she sets clear boundaries and upholds them. 

I don’t know what I want. My priorities are: being a great husband/dad, work hard, take care of my health and that fulfills me. I’m in a phase of life where I need simplicity because everything around me has been moving— it keeps me grounded and it’s serving me. I am also aware that that feeling is likely to change and do I want more? 

I cant shake this feeling in my gut. This seemingly small event, turns out to be something that’s rocking my world. Three months ago, I did not have a flicker of this feeling. Our therapist says that growth comes through discomfort, I agree, but how do I calm this feeling and make sure the path we’re on is the right one?