I can’t even eat

DD1 happened oct 2011 DD2 happened oct 2012 DD3 happened Aug 2023

I discovered my wife was cheating while on a family cruise, it devistated me. I was starving for affection and love. In the moment of discovery she flipped that switch on gave me a blowjob and doing the things I was starving for and in hindsight distracted me from the root issue. I spent the next year being told to get over it, and lots of gaslighting that my history of Mental illness was why I was suspicious and it was my fault. But we decided to work on it. We decided to have another kid (#2) a gesture that we are moving forward. after his birth I find they are still texting, I lay it out that full disclosure happen or I am out of here, I was assured that she had told me everything, she was trying to end it etc, flip on the affection and physical attention I was so desperately looking for. I got told for the next 11 years anytime I brought it up that my worry that the affair went beyond emotional and texting was wrong and to just trust her nothing happened, and it was only the 2 guys she had been writing (both friends from high school).

Well I wrote a letter to her in August pleading for the truth. Laid out my concern where I felt dishonesty happened, and that it has been destroying me, that we lack intimacy and I feel rejected whenever I try. Well, after a few days from getting the letter she informed me she did more with one of them (they had sex, but only once) and that one of my friends also approached her and they sexted “only a little” before she informed him it wasn’t cool he was doing this to his friend and they stopped (he and I had stopped chatting as much at this point so I am uncertain here). And guess what changed after the disclosure …she is being intimate with me again, and it’s happening all of the time. It felt amazing to feel loved, seen, and wanted. But this last month it is starting to hit me that this is the cycle. I have been getting trickle truthed for 12 years. We now have three kids. I bought and remodeled my childhood home, survived stage 4 cancer and two job layoffs. Life has been so extremely hard. And at this point I am sick inside just thinking and worrying about the fact I still feel like more happened. I don’t believe they only had sex 1 time, there are way too many things saying otherwise in my head. As I am writing this on Tuesday afternoon and I have not eaten anything since Sunday afternoon…I just break down crying all of the time.

I don’t know what to do, or how to heal from this. We are in a much better place now. I am not concerned with it happening again currently….but I have been lied to and comforted to think it was all ok, and it wasn’t. I texted the AP the other day, he did the same thing to me…we didn’t do anything (she said you did X) oh, she told you? Yeah we did X but that is it. He let me know how lucky I was to have her, how amazing she was, I told him he was not her only interest and she was writing others…that hurt him, and he was genuinely sad about it, I took a small amount of pleasure in knowing I hurt him just a little (this texting took place on disposable number to prevent further communication from him to me.

I have decided to stay still I think. But I am left with my world being upside down, I don’t trust my mind or her honesty. I have been gaslight and lied to so much it is what feels familiar and that is what love is to me.

I have had unaliving thoughts, and had to ask for her to get rid of my firearm because of intrusive thoughts of what would fix it easiest for me. The thought I can’t love myself anymore just breaks me. I hope positing here helps, I feel like I’ll never be ok again.