My husband had an emotional affair with somebody he met online and became obsessed with 2 years ago. He acted like he had no idea the way he acted was objectionable at first, but then eventually admit he knew it was wrong at the time, and just didn’t want to stop. He went non contact with the person. We were trying to work it out but I kept catching him in lies. He had come out as bi during the EA and was still getting into all kinds of sexually explicit chats with random people online and lying about it. According to him it was because he needed to explore this new identity as bisexual.

We were both an absolute mess. About a year into trying to move on, any time we found ourselves on the subject of the EA again he said I was dragging it out, hurting him too much too often. But it kept coming up because it still wasn’t resolved… he didn’t see it that way, and actually ended up saying he wanted a divorce. One of his online friends told on him, sent me the screenshots of him trying to get her to sext him to cheer him up, saying he doesn’t think he’s capable of love and he was just suppressing his true self who is (in his words) a slut, he hadn’t known that yet when we got together. That was nearly the end, I was in the middle of kicking him out of the house when I realized he didn’t have anywhere to go, not even a car of his own, so I let him stay. We ended up talking things out, he took back everything he said. He started going to therapy. He has found out since then he is both bipolar and autistic, and I was hoping the girl he cheated on me with was actually just a special interest sort of thing, or that he was having an extended manic episode when he started talking to her. Or maybe it was just that he came out to her, and had some kind of trauma bond over that? I don’t know. I’d hope or believe anything to avoid believing he didn’t love me or he did love her.

But now, 2 years later, things are still so up and down. I know I’m not over what happened, I know I still don’t trust him. I know I still keep the things he said behind my back in the broken spaces in my heart. I think about the messages I saw and cry. I still look at the screenshots sometimes, I can’t seem to stop myself. But I can’t talk to him about any of it because he responds so badly, and pathetic as it is I still just want him to love me.

I’ve suggested couples therapy and he says he’ll go if I want him to, but if he isn’t interested I doubt it’ll do much good.

I don’t want to just keep opening old wounds. I want to forgive him with my whole heart and move on. I keep trying, but I don’t know how, I don’t even truly know that I should, but I know it’s what I want. I just can’t get help from him now. It’s been too long. I’ve been just pretending to be over it and falling apart again over and over for too long, and he can’t take anymore.

I just don’t know how to get over this.