I never thought I'd find a place I could connect with, but I'm sure it would be nice to write this all down somewhere, least to get outside perspective.

Me and my spouse got engaged young, I was smitten because she wouldn't leave me before I deployed even though I encouraged it. She stayed through basic, stayed through deployment, and we moved in after I got home. That's when it began.

No one ever tells you that listening to grown ass men bitch about their wives or exes for a year can can really warp your outlook on relationships. No one ever tells you that worrying about rockets and bullets will make you apathetic to a normal person's daily concerns. No one ever tells you just wanting to live to the next day would turn off all love for those you formerly couldn't live without, and I found this all out the hard way. .

It started with my ex, it was short, very short, and we hardly did anything. She stayed. Then I did something with her best friend, she stayed. We even opened up our marriage because she thought it would fix it, still stayed. She got pregnant twice that year, and the second time she almost died and only then did I realize how much I loved her.

I had always heard cheating hurt your spouse, but I never knew it could fuck you up more. My wife doesn't think about it, least that's what she tells me, but even till this day I still look at myself as scum. She's changed, not for the worst but her outlook on sex is different and I feel I had a hand to play in that. She doesn't think it's a big deal and wants to do things together with others but the thought of hurting her remains deeply embedded. She tells me I should get over it, try, have fun, but I can't.

Is that normal? Does anyone else feel this way? I will never use anything that happened as an excuse, I'm an adult and I own my mistakes, but part of me wants to live in the woods alone and stay until I die, but I also want to keep my wife. I just hate myself and no matter the therapy, the talks with my wife, and I feel I deserve less, like I should just be alone forever. I feel like I'm dragging her down with me and I should let go before inevitably I hurt her, but I can't. I don't want to.

I see some people with the same perspective as I do and realistically I ask; What can I do? Genuinely how do I get over this so I can be better or does it just stay forever? The guilt, the hate, the shame, the pain I caused such an amazing person and get to walk around and act as if what I did wasn't what nearly killed her? What can I do? Please.... Please if anyone knows or has advice help me.