I get there are a trillion things to get anxious over but three things I lose myself over are finances, family, friends... okay and work and health and my dog throwing up. Whate ever.

The greatest thing that has affected my anxiety for the past six years had been a person. One, single, person. My ex. We called it. For about the hundredth time, we called it except this time we weren't even together. We live in two different states now. Still, I have never stopped loving this one person.

One person. all my love, all my pain, all my attention goes to one man.

We called it last night. I was fine all day. I was busy, I kept busy but then I got home, and I'm scared. I', nervous and I feel like I need to vomit. I walked to the grocery store to grab some wine because I had decided I cannot deal with this alone, never mind alone I cannot deal with this sober. February two winters ago, I decided to get sober. It didn't last more than six months but I manage myself so much better than I had before. Until last weekend.

Irrelevant. Tonight, I walked to the store, and I felt my chest closing, if you will. Tightening, maybe. I wanted to vomit, for the last two weeks I've wanted to vomit but my gag reflex is nearly nonexistent so, I don't. I even tried to force it, didn't happen. I fought back tears walking back from the store. I took deep breaths. I looked at everything around me and one car got close to the sidewalk. A part of me wished it would hit me.

Another part of me was freaking out that it almost did. Then I smelled weed from one of my neighbors, heard voices from every apartment unit around me. I want to throw up.

I want to pass out. I want to stop breathing, for a moment. I want to cease to exist for just one moment because this pain I feel is becoming way too much to deal with anymore.