Hi, I’m gonna structure this as a rant of some sort, and I have no good transition sentence so here we go. There’s a couple points to make just bare with me.

Every morning I wake up and I have no plans, no clue what I’m gonna do. No individuality. Quite honestly there isn’t anything I’m actually even wanting to do. So I’ll waste my time maybe playing a video game I care little for, or I’ll watch some tv. And of course this leads to a lot of nsfw stuff yk. I just waste my time until my girlfriend gets home, and then I kinda just exist for her, I mean there isn’t anything I wanna do so I tend to her needs and try to just focus on that. Until she goes to bed and then I continue my nothingness. Some mornings (only due to opposite schedules) she is with me waking up and we start the day like that, I mean she doesn’t know it but I do. Some days I spend the entire day like that, I don’t mind really. Often times I have a good time and enjoy my day, I’ll even make the plans but there’s something about it- why couldn’t I do that alone?

Recently I’ve been really feeling hated on. By everyone around me- like there is some extreme tension between me and my gf, brother, parents, friends, just everywhere. I’m not sure if it’s some sort of anger issue of mine but all my life including now I’ve never really felt angry so- but it does have a lot to do with the things they say to me or ask of me. Like the other day I went to cut a fruit and I guess I was cutting it wrong. They made a big deal about it “what the hell why are you cutting it like that” and it isn’t followed with laughs, it’s just talking to me like I’m stupid. That’s all people do- try and give me advice or teach me something as if I need it? I’m fine thank you but I really have to know, am I just stupid? I mean in social settings I have some anxiety and say some dumb stuff but I feel as if everyone does- maybe it’s the people around me but that is not very constructive.

Maybe it’s the way I talk, because I have recently really struggled with things to say. I mean in this constant state of nothingness what do I talk about? Work?

I just stand there and kinda respond, so makes sense people have kinda been acting more rude or as if I’m dumb. But god I really have nothing to say, I just want to be under my covers forever. I wish I was dead so it could all just not be a worry anymore. It’s a terrible omen I just can’t get past. I feel like I’m crazy maybe, but I could be looking too far in.

A final disclaimer is I am diagnosed depression and anxiety, but I’ll be the first to tell you that it’s wrong. Hence why I’m here and not talking to a therapist again and again. I also smoke a lot of weed, have a horrible sleep schedule, and well you read the post, I have a lot of shit going on I guess. Of course I’ll continue trying therapy I just like to hear what you all have to say. It’s truly helpful. I’ll answer any questions I can as well-

If anyone is really into helping me out go to my acc and I have more posts that still relate.