Let me tell you... I came from a tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed off Craigslist and there was a guy at the bottom of it. My neighborhood restaurant served Broken Leg of Lamb. Every time I shut my bedroom window, I hurt somebody's fingers. It wasn't much better in school.. my teacher asked the class to prove the law of gravity and someone tossed her out the window. I mean, a guy pulled a knife on me once, but I knew he wasn't a professional... it still had butter on it.

I think I like dating younger women because my home life wasn't much better. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. The doctor told her to breast feed me but she wouldn't... she said we were just good friends. One time we played hide and seek as a family.. they found my parents in Pittsburgh.

I know a lot of you younger women look for older guys because you like providers. I do okay now, but it wasn't always that way. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. On our Christmas tree, we couldn't afford tinsel, so we had to wait for grandpa to sneeze. It was so cold I had to wear the Christmas stockings. I mean, my neighborhood was so poor even the rainbow was in black and white.

My dating history... don't even ask. I used to go to drive in movies and do pushups in the back seat for my reputation. I asked this one woman if I could give her a goodnight kiss on a date, and she bent over. I was pretty desperate. I dated a girl one time who was so wild she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

So, needless to say, you probably shouldn't respond to the ad. It's not like you will be the first. One time, a woman told me to come over because there's nobody home. So I went over. Nobody was home.

Hey folks, thanks for coming to the boom boom room. I'll be here all week. Don't forget... if sex is a pain in the ass, you might be doing it wrong.